2017. A bitter sweet year for me. As we come to the end of the year, only one more month to go, I thought I would reflect on how this year has gone, and as I said, its not a clear cut good or bad one.
Lets start with the crap, then we can end on positives.
This year has held my deepest darkest moments I have personally felt. I have lost many people that were close to me. People I loved and still love. I have felt incredibly lonely, and defeated. I have faced negativity and rifts that are close to me on all sides. Home, University, and my new home for this year. To be honest since my first year finished back in April, I have felt like I have been fighting constant battles with anything I do. Its drained me, mentally, physically, financially. I just felt like there was nothing there for me to grab onto. Situations occurred that were out of my control. People had to leave, distance was a killer for me. Arguments persisted. Money was never there and whenever it came my way, left in the other direction more or less immediately. 2016 seemed so bright. I was in a much better place. I was an up coming leader of many things, looked to for direction and had people behind me. I had just became open to my University friends about my sexuality, I had a fire inside to pursue my biggest idea yet for my business and the world was in my grasp. This year, I feel like a shell of that former self. I feel like I was a wholesome tree, lived a long healthy life, and then all of a sudden this year, multiple factors have come with axes and slowly axed away at my shell and my mental capacity to keep going, keep fighting, until inevitably I fall. I have fallen.
This year I feel, that I was once the shining star shining a light for everyone, and now my light is dim, and everyone has raced past me. They have progressed and are doing amazing things, and I’m still stuck, not seeing any light in front of me, just more axemen.
However, the best thing about being a tree, is that I will grow. I have fallen and I feel dark right now, this doesn’t mean I am defeated.
This year has housed the darkest times for me and many tears have been shed into my pillow at night, however its also housed the brightest moments for me.
I am fully open, a open gay man in a vibrant city full of opportunity. I have met amazing people, some are not with me in person and are far away, but they are still there. Their departure killed me, as I said previously in this post, but amazing memories where created and are still there in my heart and mind. I have created amazing memories with my best friends in the world and I cannot forget one of the biggest parts of this year, my amazing life changing trip to New York in May.
I also met the most amazing guy that has become my better half, who I love and cherish deeply and have so many plans for the future. These give me light.
My light it dim right now, my strength has been destroyed by the axemen, but I have not given up. I need to pick up my pieces and piece it back together. This year has been a hell of a year, for the good and the bad, but one thing is for certain. It has developed my personality and make me develop a harder skin than I had when we entered 2017.
It took a lot of pain to get that skin, but I would not change it. Don’t get me wrong I have hated the dark spots and they have all hurt me deeply, but I am a keen believer in the saying that things happen for a reason. Last year, I developed my self in opening to friends. This year I opened to family and gained independence. It was never going to be easy, and its proved that. However I am going to enter 2018 a much better person than I entered 2017. I beaten up and bruised and still healing my wounds, which will probably take years to fully heal, but I think If you don’t go through a war with a single battle scar, then I don’t think you tried hard enough o fight for what you believe in.
I now look ahead to many great times planned. Developing and growing stronger with my boyfriend who I love dearly, spending many great times with my family who I love dearly and to building my self back up. Rising from the ashes an improved version of my former self.
2018 should be an interesting one. I think its time for 2017 to pack up and go.