Even though I try I can’t let go
Something in your eyes
Captured my soul
And every night I see you in my dreams
You’re all I know
I can’t let go
I didn’t really know how to write this one so I went to the format I know best, which was song lyrics. Lately, well it’s been bubbling for a year but accelerated in the last few weeks. Feelings I thought I had suppressed have decided to erupt in a huge way lately, and I do not understand why, well I do understand why.
Living next to some of the most amazing landmarks and sharing some of the most amazing times of my life with these landmarks as a backdrop does bring back many memories.
I will cut to the chase as I can sense myself dancing around the topic.
Love is such a strange thing. Strange but amazing. However, when that love is for someone far far away, it can quickly change to such a painful thing.
On the 29th of March, 2017, I had probably the best night of my life. Scratch that. It was the best night of my life. I can safely say I was in love, but at the time I didn’t realise and it annoys me how much I didn’t nurture our only time together for the first hour or two when we had the first meet awkwardness. However, then again we seemed to click straight away. He made fun and mocked my knowledge of my home city, made me laugh so much I have never laughed that much since. I smiled all the way home that cab ride home, at around 3/4am in the morning.
I still love him from that day. It still kills me so bad I cannot see him. I even went through a period of hating him (long story short for another day), but even though that I still very very quickly went back to loving him so much.
I have never felt the way I have felt with him with anyone else. He was so kind and understanding and got me. He knows exactly how I work and how I function. No one else has been able to unlock my mind the way he did. The way he does. I knew how he worked, he never admitted it but I knew. It made me laugh so much teasing him and winding him up.
We always had git grins every time we spoke (he would know what I mean), gin grins galore. I miss those git grins.
I never realised what love felt like, well for family yes but for someone else? I was not sure. I think I know now.
The love of someones personality, when the way they talk, the way they are, the way they laugh and make you laugh, the longing for hugs and to touch their hand. Thats what love feels like to me.
I will never forget the time he grabbed my hand on the way back to the station. I could rewind time again and again to experience that just one more time. I miss it so.
The worst thing I have learnt about love, is that you don’t know how much you have fallen in love until you stop and look at the distance between. When you feel broken, physically broken. I always thought being heartbroken was a state of mind. Its also a physical state that I have come to understand.
I have forever wanted to move on and get on with my life, but for some reason when he’s there in my mind. I cannot.
I have been told to forget him, unfriend him, move on. They all think its so easy and its just another boy I dated once upon a time. They don’t understand how different this is and how deeply ingrained in my mind and feelings he is.
I don’t know if I will ever see him again and if he reads this, I hope he understands. What also kills me as it seems he is living his best life. Moved, new experiences, enjoying life to the fullest. When it comes to me. I feel like I am regressing and It hurts. I wish I could just move on but I can’t.
I need to do something but I don’t know what.
Thats me for now, if you have got this far, Im sorry for my endless hopeless romantic ranting but this is the sole reason I started this blog, to express whats on my mind to try and make me process it better.
We shall see…
Love you 🙂 xoxoxox
B x x x