So lately I have had a lot of positivity in my life. I got accepted for three jobs, I got an internship i’ve always wanted, and my business is really gaining traction with multiple clients coming in. However there is something that is still haunting me in a big way. Now more than ever.
I’m not going to glamourise my language but to be frank I hate it. I feel stumpy, out of proportion and just not great. I always look at myself in the mirror or catch my reflection and have a sudden thought of distain.
However lately I have come to realise something. I have for some reason been bombarded with ads for gay dating apps. Grindr, Chappy and many more. Now as lovely as it is with google hearing how desperately I want a boyfriend, the ads always have something in common and no its not the sexually suggestive images that depict a ‘date’, its all the couples are perfect. Of course they want a happy couple, I can deal with that I want that too, but they always seem to be topless or in tight clothing, always have perfect jawlines, abs to die for, arms and necks of gods, shoulders of roman proportion and skin as flawless as the finest rubies on the planet. Nothing else. You either get the jocks or hunks, or you may see the odd ‘twink’ (despise that word).
Every time I see these images, I feel even more deflated and rejected than normal. These ads make me feel inadequate. I don’t conform or look like those norms. I have no abs, jaw to kill for, stunning skin and shoulders of roman quality.
And they are all the same! All of them! It does my head in and I cannot be the only one who feels this way.
Now I do not want to conform as I am not that sort of person, however I always want to look good. I aspire to impress people as that’s me, and fashion and the way I look are very important factors in my life. Some of my fashion is very average and conforming and some of it is very out there. However these ads and images everywhere I go always slap me back to reality that I really do hate my body sometimes. At the moment most of the time. I look in the mirror and just see stumpy and yuck. I look down and suck in my stomach so I doesn’t protrude. I have always been told It doesn’t look bad and looks normal but in my mind it’s horrid.
It also didn’t help having a tutor always greet you with, you are putting on weight is that a belly I see! Then learn that they were genuine and not joking or having a sick kind of sarcasm.
I just don’t know, will I love my body at some point, hopefully.
I just hate hating it but at the moment I feel there is no alternative.
B x x