The benevolent ramblings of a heartbroken, lonely, insecure human being.

Hey guys! Its been a while since I have posted on here, and I promise I will keep some regular schedule at some point but the very nature of my business which is taking so much time lately, and juggling that with the third and final year of my degree is taking its toll on me. 

So since I last posted on here, a lot has happened. My business has been taking on stride after stride, and its been going so well! I have signed some new clients and have finally finished with tweaking my logo and branding image. It’s all finished and shiny and new and I cannot wait to keep growing it and making it into a more self sustainable business.

I started my final year! Yup almost done I cannot wait. I started dreading the end however I have come to just excitement. I can’t wait to finish and really start crafting my career, I still feel I am in a protected bubble and as much as this bubble is comfy and nice, I want to be challenged. I want to craft my career and stop future planning. Well I don’t want to and can’t stop future planning but you get the idea. Actually start acting out what I planned from the first day of university, and strive towards my goal of running my business full time. 

So that’s the good bits and they are really good bits, but let’s get to the meat of this post. I am going to warn you this is an outpouring of a lot of heartbreak and mind fuzz so its going to get soppy and parts of this will probably sound like I am crying out for pity, I am not I’m simply emptying my mind. I stated from the start that this blog is simply my brains thoughts and feelings, to hopefully other people who feel the same as me can rest that they are not alone, or to simply inspire someone. Who knows, but Im waffling.

So I was dating a guy a few months ago now, he was this lovely Bulgarian guy, incredibly sweet, very easy on the eye and had a very whacky sense of humour that left me often staring at him with a very confused yet happy face. We dated for a few months and I felt like it was going really well. However some things kept coming up in small arguments that I was worried, and rightly so, would develop into bigger things. He was trying to be an influencer. Which is fine by the way! Im not attacking influencers in this very PC world we live in but my problem wasn’t that he was, it was how he was trying. Now another reason why I try and distance myself from the ‘LGBTQ’ community sometimes is this wave of highly sexualised stereotypes that we find mainly from the male side of the gay spectrum. By this I mean guys having to post photos on Instagram, wearing a jockstrap, next to a window ledge, reading Jane Austen and then captioning something cringe like ‘I love to read’. No Tyler you don’t like to read you are acting like a thirst trap and effectively selling your body for likes and ‘instafame’, which is excuse the rhyme but slightly lame. If all that matters in your life is the number of likes an image gets, and you will go to lengths like exposing yourself on instagram for it, then I feel pity. Now there’s no problem embracing your body. I wish I could, I physically don’t feel happy about my body. Everyone I know keeps telling me that I have not reason to be unhappy, but I cannot, well right now at least, have the confidence to post something like that on instagram or any public forum. However there is a stark difference between being body confident, and being a full on thot for likes. Its blatantly obvious and it really drives me away from Instagram. I used to post all the time, sometimes twice a day, now I only stick to posting quick stories, and sometimes won’t post an image for weeks. Why? This precise reason. Im fed up of seeing people selling themselves and being so shallow. This was the defining thing between me and that guy not working. Despite dumping me over text while on a trip to Bulgaria, his exact words, or somewhat what I remember where, ‘The day I lost feeling was when you begun questioning my instagram’. 

This killed me inside slightly I must admit. Like really? Instagram, you would put over anyone. He tried to compare it to him slagging off my business and me being annoyed about it. Babe, people slag off my business all the time, and have bet against it since day one, however the difference between him and me, is that I’m not shallow enough to let my business consume my being. I listen, if the criticism is justified, I adjust, if its not and its just jealousy or spite, then fine but I will just block it out and not retaliate. The fact you protest you like someone then dump them so easily just because they openly express their dislike that you basically porn yourself out on instagram. Im sure any normal human being would be a little annoyed if their other half went to potentially thousands of people, wearing basically a Jockstrap or very tight underwear, and nothing else. Call me boring, a traditionalist, whatever you want but that’s my view and if my potential partner can’t accept that, then it may sound selfish but we won’t work, and this is clear evidence of this. 

So that was the first heartbreak of this post. There was a period of a month or two of calm and my business and me sailing away into the sunset with happiness, and we are still on that boat! Its been rocked a few times but the sea is never still so turbulence is to be expected but we have survived! 

Then to add to this, friends that have been friends for many many years decide to turn on me and start saying I ruined their birthday. No darling, my life is just busy with a degree, a business, fresh from being dumped and having no money because I’m a broke struggling student. So sorry I couldn’t make it but don’t make it out like I’m the grim reaper and ruined everything, because the one thing I will not take at all is slander, unnecessary and inaccurate slander against me. Thats not cool.

Now we move onto the next heartbreak, maybe a little sooner that I should have but it came out of nowhere and I went with it. I was messaged on a certain dating platform and this may sound sad but no one usually makes the first move with me so it was refreshing. I replied and spoke for a while and we eventually met for some drinks and it was lovely. It was the only date that could stack up almost to that notorious date nearly 2 years ago on the 29th March (If you are lost, go to my 2017 posts and basically I document this reference in a series of many posts, but to save you time it was the best date of my life so far…)

We then met again a few days later to go out to see the notorious SPONGE QUEEN MONET X CHANGE! It was such a fun night, we drunk danced, and we ended up cuddling and sharing our first kiss so it was definitely a lovely lovely date. We kept meeting up, watching different movies, going out, went to see other drag queens and it was just so nice. We spoke about many dark things from both of us that I have never really spoken to anyone I have dated about. I just felt so comfortable and I feel he did too and it was just lovely. We dated, or saw each other for about a month and half and things started to once again in true Brandon fashion, go a little dark. We kept clashing one certain subjects, he thought I was not open, when he literally the only human being on the planet that has been allowed access to freely roam my phone and read my messages, so yeah… a little zonked but ok. Then once again this guy went on holiday to Ireland, and literally like that he stopped talking to me. Boom. Ghosted 2.0. Then nearly four days later he replied to my messages saying I was clingy. Darling all I wanted was a message to say you got their safely, so please comment if you feel that is clingy, then Ill take it back but in my experience that’s just common curtesy. We then bickered and bickered, until he got back and sat and talked. He then opened so much even more the before and all he said made sense, it made everything fit together. I was like wow, this guy trusts me with this information, he must be serious. So my faith was restored and all was better right? Nope, how could it be, it’s me! Life never gives Brandon a happy ending.

We spoke on the Monday, then between Thursday and Saturday, nothing. It was a little peculiar, so I messaged to see if it was something I said. He then replied and basically once again, I was dumped over text. 

I really really really hate men. What is wrong with my generation? Is it just me? Am I just doomed to be a in affect a bachelor for the rest of my life? Like really come on. 

He threw some amazing come backs at me. Im nasty, clingy, and what stabbed me in the heart strings was this line, ‘The spark wasn’t there’. The spark wasn’t there huh? So all the times we cuddled, kissed, watched Sabrina and other Netflix shows, ate food, went exploring, you cut my hair, we fell asleep together and you felt nothing. Ok. Thanks.

Another thing that got to me, is that all he ever spoke about was his ex, L****** this L****** that, all the goddamn time. Like I love learning your history but when you keep mentioning the same ex, and then disclosing how sexually active you used to be almost constantly and also trying to give a number of how many guys you have been with, It grates. 

So yeah, heartbreak number two, I would say this was the worst because of how open he was so close to when he literally dropped everything. Like why? Then he had the cheek to ask for his sweater that I borrowed back! Ok I would like all the money spent on drinks and entry fees for clubs that I paid for, Im sure it eclipses the value of the one Jumper I borrowed. He will get it back….at some point. I have no time for myself at the moment let alone trekking all the way to his to drop a jumper on his porch, because Im not paying for delivery and I’m not a postman so he isn’t getting it posted.

Anyway rant over my lovelies. So why did I write this? Mainly highlighting my biggest weakness. It isn’t even a weakness of mine as such. 

Right now, I do not need a man. I have always worked on my own and I can work on my own. Im not in need of a man to help me function, I can function perfectly fine. I have amazing friends, a business that keeps growing and the best family I could wish for.  A little dysfunctional and stressful at times but it’s my family and that will never change. However one thing I do crave, is romantic love. I just want someone, who isn’t a friend or a so called ‘Friend with benefits’, I want a boyfriend. I want that feeling, that buzz that warmth. I want to cuddle up and feel safe and warm and happy, in the arms of a guy that gets me, understands me, and is there for me, as I would be for him. Im so sick and tired of churning through boys like I’m a Middle Aged bachelor. I have started to resent dating, and have ditched dating apps because everyone on there (Apart from one) have major commitment issues. Amazing at the cuddle and ‘cuddle’, but not good with the ‘babe I want to make this relationship official’…..BOOM. Dead. 

I always have been told by my straight male friends that women are the complex gender and that understanding them is impossible. However, this is going to be controversial but its fine because I am a man, I think men are the hardest to understand. They are weird, complicated, complex, perplexing, mind warpingly annoying, often too horny to think straight most of the time (excuse the pun), and just have no idea. Well that’s the men I have dated. 

So if you are reading this, are a decent human being and are a grounded, happy, and not a very complex individual, then hit me up! However this has been a hard post of write and I am sorry its so long, like I said its a brain splurge. If you are still reading this thank you, and if you are one of those guys that caused me heartbreak, now you know how it made me feel. I promise future posts will be happier, but this needed to get off my chest even if no-one reads it. 

Agh, I all of a sudden feel a lot lighter, I want fries now. Add a large coke to that too (Not the zero sugar I want the sugary sweetness…), also maybe add a shot of vodka or two. 

Now I promised myself not to do this, but I’m going to do it. In the words of Madame Grande, 

Thank u, next.

B xoxox


One thought on “The benevolent ramblings of a heartbroken, lonely, insecure human being.

  1. Pingback: What 2018 has taught me as a person. Things really have changed. – Brandon Bourne

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