Me

So, the blog has moved… lets spill the tea

I have written a new post, but its now present on the new home of my blog! Check it out on https://www.brandonbourne.co.uk/blog/2016/1/20/blackberry-peach-cobbler

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Me

Why can’t you imagine a world like that?

So in the last post, I wrote a post all about the Film the Favourite. Today I write a post all about the woman of the moment Ariana Grande. Now, the real tea here is that she is working her butt of right now! In one year she has released two albums, released countless singles and is teasing another album, like what! I thought I was a work a holic, but she puts me to shame!

So, I am not going to be basic and review Thank u Next, or 7 Rings, but the one that kind of got skimmed over in my opinion. Her song Imagine, for me, is her best so far. Ignore the whistle notes, I actually don’t like them in this song, but the whole production, the lyrics, the sound, it’s so different yet sounds still very Ariana.

So lets see the lyrics and break this song apart.

Step up the two of us, nobody knows us
Get in the car like, “Skrrt”
Staying up all night, order me pad thai
Then we gon’ sleep ’til noon
Me with no makeup, you in the bathtub
Bubbles and bubbly, ooh
This is a pleasure, feel like we never act this regular


[Pre-Chorus]
Click, click, click and post
Drip-drip-dripped in gold
Quick, quick, quick, let’s go
Kiss me and take off your clothes

[Chorus]
Imagine a world like that
Imagine a world like that
We go like up ’til I’m ‘sleep on your chest
Love how my face fits so good in your neck
Why can’t you imagine a world like that?
Imagine a world

[Verse 2]
Knew you were perfect after the first kiss
Took a deep breath like, “Ooh”
Feels like forever, baby, I never thought that it would be you
Tell me your secrets, all of the creep shit
That’s how I know it’s true
Baby, direct it, name in the credits
Like the movies do

[Pre-Chorus]
Click, click, click and post
Drip-drip-dripped in gold
Quick, quick, quick, let’s go
Kiss me and take off your clothes

[Chorus]
Imagine a world like that
Imagine a world like that
We go like up ’til I’m ‘sleep on your chest
Love how my face fits so good in your neck
Why can’t you imagine a world like that?
Imagine a world

[Outro]
Can you imagine it?
Can you imagine it?
Can you imagine it?
Can you imagine it?
Can you imagine it? (Can you imagine?)
Can you imagine it? (Can you imagine?)
Can you imagine it? (Ooh)
Imagine that
Imagine it, imagine it
Imagine it, imagine it
Imagine, imagine
Imagine, imagine
Imagine, imagine

The song itself is a very intimate insight into a period of her life. She lays her soul out on the floor with this song, the lyrics being so personal. I would love to find out the meaning behind the lyric ‘why cant you imagine a world like that?’, I wonder who shes talking too with that lyric. Even asside from the lyrics, the production is so unique and genius in my eyes. It is very slicked back and simple yet has a very sophisticated drum beat in the background that holds the song together, and then her whistles being used as an instrumental pilar in the middle of the song.

Overall this song is amazing and if you have not listened to it, heres the link to the youtube video so you can educate yourself and add another Ariana banger to your Ariana collection!

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Me

What 2018 has taught me as a person. Things really have changed.

So 2017 was a difficult year for me. Coming out fully as a happy open gay man was a tough step for me as a person. It shouldn’t be but that doesn’t remove the fact that it was. I saw 2018 as a year of hope, growth and happiness. At the time being happily together with my boyfriend of the time, spending new year with him and counting down the seconds to welcome 2018 with him, and seeing light ahead. Two months into 2018, he soon became an ex and the road didn’t stop being rocky there.

When I look back at 2018, I see it has been a year of tests. Mental tests that pushed me to the limits of my being. Financially being a little bit of a yoyo, having money and being pretty comfortable, then bam counting pennies for a bus fare. Jumping into dates hoping to find the one only to be rejected with a text dump or not receiving replies at all.

If anything, this year my highlight was and is the growth of my business. I started the year with no clients, no path of where I wanted to go and a very confused mess of jigsaw pieces of what my business should and could be. Now I have dealt with clients, looking for more and have hired someone. My personal life may have been pretty dark but my business and professional life soared this year and gave me the confidence that I really can do this.

As years go by, I always think I know who I am. I’m Brandon, I’m gay, I love business, I love cycling, I absolutely loathe tomatoes (fresh ones anyway), I am pretty stubborn and love to take the lead on anything I do, I am a perfectionist, too much so! I love to experiment with my fashion, I make mistakes and I absolutely adore hugs, cuddles under the blankets and a lovely fresh red velvet cake swimming in warm custard.

However I have come to see the real me manifest itself very clearly this year on several occasions. I wrote a whole post about it here! 

I had a real low in November/ Beginning of December coming to that realisation. It scared me as I am always one to love staying in control of my emotions and being in control of my mind, but seeing it and feeling it spiral out of my control in a record speed unknown to me was a scary sinking feeling.

2018 saw me gain a-lot of friends, lovers, networks and knowledge. I also saw me loose a-lot of those friends and also a lover or two along the way, but this all helped me come to realisation about what I really want and what my aspiration in life really is. What I aspire to and what I crave most of all, love and stability.

However out of all this doom and gloom, I really do feel that 2018 no matter how hard it has been, has tied a bow and sealed a period of my life, that has been full of rocks, stormy seas and thunder. What I see when I look ahead into 2019, is a blank piece of sketch paper, ready and waiting for me to make the first stroke, and cast a new path, create new memories, and embrace who I really am and use it to progress to where and what I aim to craft from myself. I will no longer dwell and rage in anguish and upset over people of the past, but seek and explore new and exciting journeys that will push my boundaries to a new location and new perspective. Graduation, full time work, my 21st year in this planet. So many things are coming to an end next year, and the paper is turning on this chapter of my life ready for those new words and new adventures.

So, 2019, I am coming for you, and I look forward to every word and every letter I craft from the experiences and challenges you throw at me.

So I end with this last post of 2018 with, not my words, but the words of a certain Mr Churchill, and that Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

See you next year my lovelies, and thank you if you have been following me for a while, I really appreciate it, and if you have only just joined the boat, don’t worry, I am not always this depressing, and that I do spill a lot of juicy fun tea once in a while 😉

Lots more to come!

B xoxo

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Me

The benevolent ramblings of a heartbroken, lonely, insecure human being.

Hey guys! Its been a while since I have posted on here, and I promise I will keep some regular schedule at some point but the very nature of my business which is taking so much time lately, and juggling that with the third and final year of my degree is taking its toll on me. 

So since I last posted on here, a lot has happened. My business has been taking on stride after stride, and its been going so well! I have signed some new clients and have finally finished with tweaking my logo and branding image. It’s all finished and shiny and new and I cannot wait to keep growing it and making it into a more self sustainable business.

I started my final year! Yup almost done I cannot wait. I started dreading the end however I have come to just excitement. I can’t wait to finish and really start crafting my career, I still feel I am in a protected bubble and as much as this bubble is comfy and nice, I want to be challenged. I want to craft my career and stop future planning. Well I don’t want to and can’t stop future planning but you get the idea. Actually start acting out what I planned from the first day of university, and strive towards my goal of running my business full time. 

So that’s the good bits and they are really good bits, but let’s get to the meat of this post. I am going to warn you this is an outpouring of a lot of heartbreak and mind fuzz so its going to get soppy and parts of this will probably sound like I am crying out for pity, I am not I’m simply emptying my mind. I stated from the start that this blog is simply my brains thoughts and feelings, to hopefully other people who feel the same as me can rest that they are not alone, or to simply inspire someone. Who knows, but Im waffling.

So I was dating a guy a few months ago now, he was this lovely Bulgarian guy, incredibly sweet, very easy on the eye and had a very whacky sense of humour that left me often staring at him with a very confused yet happy face. We dated for a few months and I felt like it was going really well. However some things kept coming up in small arguments that I was worried, and rightly so, would develop into bigger things. He was trying to be an influencer. Which is fine by the way! Im not attacking influencers in this very PC world we live in but my problem wasn’t that he was, it was how he was trying. Now another reason why I try and distance myself from the ‘LGBTQ’ community sometimes is this wave of highly sexualised stereotypes that we find mainly from the male side of the gay spectrum. By this I mean guys having to post photos on Instagram, wearing a jockstrap, next to a window ledge, reading Jane Austen and then captioning something cringe like ‘I love to read’. No Tyler you don’t like to read you are acting like a thirst trap and effectively selling your body for likes and ‘instafame’, which is excuse the rhyme but slightly lame. If all that matters in your life is the number of likes an image gets, and you will go to lengths like exposing yourself on instagram for it, then I feel pity. Now there’s no problem embracing your body. I wish I could, I physically don’t feel happy about my body. Everyone I know keeps telling me that I have not reason to be unhappy, but I cannot, well right now at least, have the confidence to post something like that on instagram or any public forum. However there is a stark difference between being body confident, and being a full on thot for likes. Its blatantly obvious and it really drives me away from Instagram. I used to post all the time, sometimes twice a day, now I only stick to posting quick stories, and sometimes won’t post an image for weeks. Why? This precise reason. Im fed up of seeing people selling themselves and being so shallow. This was the defining thing between me and that guy not working. Despite dumping me over text while on a trip to Bulgaria, his exact words, or somewhat what I remember where, ‘The day I lost feeling was when you begun questioning my instagram’. 

This killed me inside slightly I must admit. Like really? Instagram, you would put over anyone. He tried to compare it to him slagging off my business and me being annoyed about it. Babe, people slag off my business all the time, and have bet against it since day one, however the difference between him and me, is that I’m not shallow enough to let my business consume my being. I listen, if the criticism is justified, I adjust, if its not and its just jealousy or spite, then fine but I will just block it out and not retaliate. The fact you protest you like someone then dump them so easily just because they openly express their dislike that you basically porn yourself out on instagram. Im sure any normal human being would be a little annoyed if their other half went to potentially thousands of people, wearing basically a Jockstrap or very tight underwear, and nothing else. Call me boring, a traditionalist, whatever you want but that’s my view and if my potential partner can’t accept that, then it may sound selfish but we won’t work, and this is clear evidence of this. 

So that was the first heartbreak of this post. There was a period of a month or two of calm and my business and me sailing away into the sunset with happiness, and we are still on that boat! Its been rocked a few times but the sea is never still so turbulence is to be expected but we have survived! 

Then to add to this, friends that have been friends for many many years decide to turn on me and start saying I ruined their birthday. No darling, my life is just busy with a degree, a business, fresh from being dumped and having no money because I’m a broke struggling student. So sorry I couldn’t make it but don’t make it out like I’m the grim reaper and ruined everything, because the one thing I will not take at all is slander, unnecessary and inaccurate slander against me. Thats not cool.

Now we move onto the next heartbreak, maybe a little sooner that I should have but it came out of nowhere and I went with it. I was messaged on a certain dating platform and this may sound sad but no one usually makes the first move with me so it was refreshing. I replied and spoke for a while and we eventually met for some drinks and it was lovely. It was the only date that could stack up almost to that notorious date nearly 2 years ago on the 29th March (If you are lost, go to my 2017 posts and basically I document this reference in a series of many posts, but to save you time it was the best date of my life so far…)

We then met again a few days later to go out to see the notorious SPONGE QUEEN MONET X CHANGE! It was such a fun night, we drunk danced, and we ended up cuddling and sharing our first kiss so it was definitely a lovely lovely date. We kept meeting up, watching different movies, going out, went to see other drag queens and it was just so nice. We spoke about many dark things from both of us that I have never really spoken to anyone I have dated about. I just felt so comfortable and I feel he did too and it was just lovely. We dated, or saw each other for about a month and half and things started to once again in true Brandon fashion, go a little dark. We kept clashing one certain subjects, he thought I was not open, when he literally the only human being on the planet that has been allowed access to freely roam my phone and read my messages, so yeah… a little zonked but ok. Then once again this guy went on holiday to Ireland, and literally like that he stopped talking to me. Boom. Ghosted 2.0. Then nearly four days later he replied to my messages saying I was clingy. Darling all I wanted was a message to say you got their safely, so please comment if you feel that is clingy, then Ill take it back but in my experience that’s just common curtesy. We then bickered and bickered, until he got back and sat and talked. He then opened so much even more the before and all he said made sense, it made everything fit together. I was like wow, this guy trusts me with this information, he must be serious. So my faith was restored and all was better right? Nope, how could it be, it’s me! Life never gives Brandon a happy ending.

We spoke on the Monday, then between Thursday and Saturday, nothing. It was a little peculiar, so I messaged to see if it was something I said. He then replied and basically once again, I was dumped over text. 

I really really really hate men. What is wrong with my generation? Is it just me? Am I just doomed to be a in affect a bachelor for the rest of my life? Like really come on. 

He threw some amazing come backs at me. Im nasty, clingy, and what stabbed me in the heart strings was this line, ‘The spark wasn’t there’. The spark wasn’t there huh? So all the times we cuddled, kissed, watched Sabrina and other Netflix shows, ate food, went exploring, you cut my hair, we fell asleep together and you felt nothing. Ok. Thanks.

Another thing that got to me, is that all he ever spoke about was his ex, L****** this L****** that, all the goddamn time. Like I love learning your history but when you keep mentioning the same ex, and then disclosing how sexually active you used to be almost constantly and also trying to give a number of how many guys you have been with, It grates. 

So yeah, heartbreak number two, I would say this was the worst because of how open he was so close to when he literally dropped everything. Like why? Then he had the cheek to ask for his sweater that I borrowed back! Ok I would like all the money spent on drinks and entry fees for clubs that I paid for, Im sure it eclipses the value of the one Jumper I borrowed. He will get it back….at some point. I have no time for myself at the moment let alone trekking all the way to his to drop a jumper on his porch, because Im not paying for delivery and I’m not a postman so he isn’t getting it posted.

Anyway rant over my lovelies. So why did I write this? Mainly highlighting my biggest weakness. It isn’t even a weakness of mine as such. 

Right now, I do not need a man. I have always worked on my own and I can work on my own. Im not in need of a man to help me function, I can function perfectly fine. I have amazing friends, a business that keeps growing and the best family I could wish for.  A little dysfunctional and stressful at times but it’s my family and that will never change. However one thing I do crave, is romantic love. I just want someone, who isn’t a friend or a so called ‘Friend with benefits’, I want a boyfriend. I want that feeling, that buzz that warmth. I want to cuddle up and feel safe and warm and happy, in the arms of a guy that gets me, understands me, and is there for me, as I would be for him. Im so sick and tired of churning through boys like I’m a Middle Aged bachelor. I have started to resent dating, and have ditched dating apps because everyone on there (Apart from one) have major commitment issues. Amazing at the cuddle and ‘cuddle’, but not good with the ‘babe I want to make this relationship official’…..BOOM. Dead. 

I always have been told by my straight male friends that women are the complex gender and that understanding them is impossible. However, this is going to be controversial but its fine because I am a man, I think men are the hardest to understand. They are weird, complicated, complex, perplexing, mind warpingly annoying, often too horny to think straight most of the time (excuse the pun), and just have no idea. Well that’s the men I have dated. 

So if you are reading this, are a decent human being and are a grounded, happy, and not a very complex individual, then hit me up! However this has been a hard post of write and I am sorry its so long, like I said its a brain splurge. If you are still reading this thank you, and if you are one of those guys that caused me heartbreak, now you know how it made me feel. I promise future posts will be happier, but this needed to get off my chest even if no-one reads it. 

Agh, I all of a sudden feel a lot lighter, I want fries now. Add a large coke to that too (Not the zero sugar I want the sugary sweetness…), also maybe add a shot of vodka or two. 

Now I promised myself not to do this, but I’m going to do it. In the words of Madame Grande, 

Thank u, next.

B xoxox

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So its been a while and alot has happened in that while. Now I have been searching for a long time, and searching searching searching for that solemate, that ‘one’ that many people speak of and its been a long lengthy process, lets just say I have kissed many frogs on my quest for love its getting rather boring.

Now argueably I feel I did find it once, however factors outside my control meant that they became, at least for now, the one that got away.

However then after a long while I met a guy that I actually really liked! Hoorah! Could this be the magical one I have been searching for!

We met in Regents Park and it was such a lovely day, we sat, ate, laughed and joked around. It was blissful. No forced feelings, so awkwardness. He was pretty nice on the eye too not going to lie.

Weeks went by, then months, and we just seemed to jel amazingly. I was starting to feel like finally after nearly two years I have found someone that I could say would be worthy of having my love, something only one person before ever recieved. However this was when things started to take a darker turn.

We has insanely vein. His instagram took priority of his life. Every second opening his phone to check it, pose and do those awful duck face, excuse my french, fuck boy poses and the hand through the hair look. It made me cringe but he had to accept my excentricites so I thought I just need to stomach it. He also had a rather dark past of depression and anxiety so I thought it may be the thing that helps him cope so I didn’t raise anything.

It has now been three months since we have been seeing eachother and in my eyes he could be my boyfriend by now easily, and I wanted to ask him. However we had been having mini arguements over the stupidest things like clashes with what he posted on instagram. He would post in shower videos pulling those same ridiculous faces, and he also posted something that offended one of my friends that really annoyed me and to be honest, showed him to be a really arrogant A hole! He posted a picture saying ‘mother always told me to hold my breath when mingling with the poor’. How dare you! I was mortified as I thought that was such a demeaning thing to post and he wasn’t happy when I brought it up. It then just spiralled more and more he would open up I would discover tendencies I just disliked. He just became or oncovered how arrogant and self absorbed he was. No to mention that we literally had an arguement when I asked if he could be a little affectionate and maybe hold my hand a few times.

Now it ended with him going to Bulgaria and having a break until he came back so he could clear his head. So I messaged and he basically told me via text he saw me as a friend and it would never change and the first time I mentioned his instagram he lost all feeling. So that slapped me in the face big time and showed me that he was never going to change and would always forever be a self absorbed human being who would forever live in a bubble of his own creation.

Anyways, rant over my dears. The moral and topic of this post. Did you see where the gears shifted and it went downhill. Ill tell you.

When I started to insinuate something more than ‘more than just friends’. What is more than just friends? Friends with benefits? No thank you I am not an escort.

I find this term being used so much. I just see it as legitamised use of a human being. What ever happened to the relatioship. Hes my boyfriend. Now its, we are ‘seeing eachother’, but hes not my boyfriend’. Then what is he?

It riles me as I am a man of tradition in many ways and a modern man in others, but romance I have very traditional values and it takes alot for me to like someone. This particular boy never earned my love, thats still only with one person. However I still liked him very much and could see love develop if he wasn’t such a insta guy.

I love insta but when it takes up your existence you have a problem. When following is more important than reality.

Can’t relate.

So thats it from me kids, I will be writing more happy posts as after this whole fiasco my life and business was boosted! Says something doesn’t it, maybe cutting him away allowed me to bloosom. Actually not maybe, scratch that, definitely.

Put yourself first, selfishness is needed sometimes, never let yourself become someone elses pawn.

B xoxox

Me

Commitment is an act, not a word.

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Me

Am I that complicated to understand?

As of late, I has found myself questioning something. I have always prescribed simple things in life from food to romance. All I need is a simple cup of coffee, nothing special. A hug now and then, tender love and care and red velvet cake. Simple right?

However Lately It has come to my attention that this could be rather difficult, well not the exact examples thats just me making things dramtic so you would read on further to uncover the truth.

However the title remains true, I have always thought of myself being simple in terms of what I wanted and what I valued, however as of late its appeared this may be difficult and often compared to coded messages.

Now this shocks me as I explained, however it makes me wonder…

Now human beings are complex creatures, women and men, and this is no secret, however my ‘demands’ or ‘needs’, however you put it I have always seen to be rather up front, honest and easy to understand. Maybe I am being naive in thinking this way, or could it be true?

Who knows, life can be a bumpy, and confusing road.

B xoxox

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Business, Entrepreneur, Me

The Excitement Every Entrepreneur Knows

So, I wrote a post a little while ago titled the Story of Serenity, and it was the first time I reflected back and actually wrote down my reflection of how I came to be with the business I run today. It was such a life and mindset changing experience. Being able to see where I am and realise where I was, was such a different story. Also realising that it was ok to have something happen like that! As an entrepreneur I have come to realise many things and one of those things is that change and evolution come hand in hand with the role of business owner. One of the thrills of running your own business.

So lately I have been hard at work. Since May I have been on the grind refining all the work and research I have been doing for the last year and half and making sense of it. Also witnessing the portfolio I have generated has impressed me as it far exceeded what I intended to generate in the time period I allocated for the task.

My last goal for this summer was a new launch and huge new marketing push for September, and well, its September and I think its time. I have changed a lot of things, at the same time not changing much. My business values are still the same, maybe a little stronger, my drive is the same, again maybe a little stronger, and my determination ever growing.

I am about to release a brand new site for my business. Now you may say, Brandon you are a web designer and launch new sites all the time what’s different about this one? Why is this one so exciting? Well this one symbolises a milestone for my business. Over the summer I secured my first 8 Clients. I have some more interest for the future too which makes me even more happy! This new site to me is the closest push to the end goal I have been chasing for years, launching a money making company. A company that could sustain me on its own without the need of an external job. A company that will eventually sustain others too apart from myself.

It also just looks amazing! This site is so clean and so my brand I cannot even fathom how excited I am!

The urge to just publish it now is real! However I also like this feeling of anticipation so much I would in an ideal world maybe push back the launch by a week so I can relish in it some more, but would be awful PR so I will not be doing that!

On the 1st October it will open its doors and the world will get to see what I have been working on for the summer, and I cannot bloody wait!

This feeling is exactly the feeling I felt when I registered my first company, Serenity Co Software. It was a feeling of elation two years ago when I filled out the form to Companies House and got my incorporation statement back the next day saying I am now a certified PLC. I now have two companies, Serenity Co Software and a Year Later Serenity Technology Group, when I put together my 10 – 20 year vision for what I wanted for the Serenity Brand going forward, and Serenity Design is just the start!

I cannot wait to see where this company is going to take me. This company has already taken me on such an amazing journey for the last two years and for the third year, she’s ready to take over the mother tucking world henny!

So sit back, get comfortable and get ready for one hell of a ride!

#SerenityDesign

B xoxo

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