Me

Will I love my body at some point, hopefully.

So lately I have had a lot of positivity in my life. I got accepted for three jobs, I got an internship i’ve always wanted, and my business is really gaining traction with multiple clients coming in. However there is something that is still haunting me in a big way. Now more than ever.

My body.

I’m not going to glamourise my language but to be frank I hate it. I feel stumpy, out of proportion and just not great. I always look at myself in the mirror or catch my reflection and have a sudden thought of distain.

However lately I have come to realise something. I have for some reason been bombarded with ads for gay dating apps. Grindr, Chappy and many more. Now as lovely as it is with google hearing how desperately I want a boyfriend, the ads always have something in common and no its not the sexually suggestive images that depict a ‘date’, its all the couples are perfect. Of course they want a happy couple, I can deal with that I want that too, but they always seem to be topless or in tight clothing, always have perfect jawlines, abs to die for, arms and necks of gods, shoulders of roman proportion and skin as flawless as the finest rubies on the planet. Nothing else. You either get the jocks or hunks, or you may see the odd ‘twink’ (despise that word).

Every time I see these images, I feel even more deflated and rejected than normal. These ads make me feel inadequate. I don’t conform or look like those norms. I have no abs, jaw to kill for, stunning skin and shoulders of roman quality.

And they are all the same! All of them! It does my head in and I cannot be the only one who feels this way.

Now I do not want to conform as I am not that sort of person, however I always want to look good. I aspire to impress people as that’s me, and fashion and the way I look are very important factors in my life. Some of my fashion is very average and conforming and some of it is very out there. However these ads and images everywhere I go always slap me back to reality that I really do hate my body sometimes. At the moment most of the time. I look in the mirror and just see stumpy and yuck. I look down and suck in my stomach so I doesn’t protrude. I have always been told It doesn’t look bad and looks normal but in my mind it’s horrid.

It also didn’t help having a tutor always greet you with, you are putting on weight is that a belly I see! Then learn that they were genuine and not joking or having a sick kind of sarcasm.

I just don’t know, will I love my body at some point, hopefully.

I just hate hating it but at the moment I feel there is no alternative.

B x x

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Me

Finding the way to manage your mind.

So The mind is a tricky place. It’s such a subjective and complex being that there really isn’t a one shoe fits all approach when it comes to the mind.

My struggles with managing my mind have all been recorded on this blog, so its no mystery that my mind fluctuates, sometimes on its own and sometimes triggered from something in my life. Loss, uni, love. All of the triggers big and in turn triggering big waves in my mind, of both negativity and positivity.

So the question rose. How do we find a way to manage the mind?

Now to be honest with you, I have yet to find it. I think I have found a way that seems to work now so I am rolling with it but only time will tell if this is the method to finally take control of my emotion and my mental state of mind. So what is this mystical method that has allowed me to take back control.

I do not know. The method I am certain that I have no idea, and to be frank I don’t think there is a cohesive method. One thing that I have seen that came into my life recently was new friends. New people, new injections of opinions. I have still kept my original friendship groups and they will forever be close to me and will not change. However I also feel its healthy to network and form new friendship groups to keep your pool of knowledge fresh and constant.

I have been part of some great initiatives like Our Bright future and many others that I have also mentioned previously in other posts on my blog, but these all bring new people into my life that have given me new injections of opinion, knowledge and just kind and rewarding words. I find these forms of relationships incredibly beneficial to my mental state and I have found myself improve greatly after this.

Linked to this is the opposite in a way, but to let go and remove negativity from your life. I have recently had three job opportunities and interviews, of which I got all three, including the very highly regarded Mayors Entrepreneur Intern role which I am over the moon about. However at the time I had got into a heated conversation with my ex, who I messaged simply to say hi and catch up after seeing an old photo of us in my facebook memories. In turn I got a nasty response and the response and words used really hurt. Did this stop me getting the roles? No. I flipped it on its head and realised, this gave me the closure I needed. We ended so quickly and never really spoke and he never opened up even in our year long relationship. The reply showed his true colours and that’s what I needed to see. If you want to know more go to my previous post, the ghosts of the past.

So, what can you do? These things will not necessarily help you reading this, but I hope reading that I have got past some dark crap in my past, family splits due to my sexuality, falling in love with someone a million miles away from me, going through several spots of crap financials, two years on unemployment and job searching and amongst this running a business and juggling university work. The last two years have tested me and I can see the third will test me probably even more being the last year of uni, but I go into it a much more harder and self driven person than I did when I entered second year. I have a new fire, a new ‘method’ and hopefully a new sense of control over my mental state. Three new jobs and a great set of friends that I am happy to call friends.

Someone once told me that things may seem crap now, but things always seem to find their ways to fix themselves, even when it doesn’t even seem plausible.

B xoxox

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Me

The ghosts of the past.

So The day was to be a bittersweet one. The day before, saw such promise. A day filled with new opportunities, and a new direction for the future. However upon waking up that day, there was a bitter taste.

The sudden appearance of the ghost of the past. Cold, offending, and just darn right rude!

That was a dramatic entrance wasn’t it. Now you are hooked let me spill the tea!

So the other day, I was contacted for the first time in over half a year, by a person from the past and it threw me. Now I am going to admit I did contact first, to see how they were as I saw an old photo and although there was no feeling I always wondered what they did after I knew them.

However after my four word message of hey, how are you? What I got was beyond comprehension.

A huge mammoth paragraph, 80% wrong, 10% wtf and 10%bs to be quite frank.

I appeared that my question was answered, they turned into a very bitter human being with a very bitter outlook on life and seemed to blame that bitter outlook on my simple actions of talking and actually raising critical topics that were never dared touched.

This lead to more responses of equal amount of BS, WTF and lies. Now I laughed mostly at them because as I said, I have moved on very far from that period of my life, and I only wanted to check in and even see if I would get a response. I never wanted to jump back into that part of my life, hell no. However only one thing hurt me and that it was the anger and spiteful ness they threw at me. As if it was my courage of talking that destroyed their life. Their life was not destroyed. They simply waited a year to actually start to open up after many a moon of me trying to pry open a locked door.

Why would I write this ordeal, as it really was, as a blog post you may ask?

Well, this blog is my thoughts to words and this really played on my mind. I thought back to how dark my life was then and how depressed and unhappy I was, and it made me really sad. However the ghost from Christmas past quickly was overshadowed by the fact I GOT A JOB! AND SUCCEEDED THE INTERVIEW!

I was so happy, it was the thing I needed to block the ghost from my mind. The images from the past flooding back. To be honest I should not have messaged but I thought I was being nice, maybe I opened Pandora’s box and luckily managed to close it in time, who knows.

All I know is that is gave me the definitive closure I needed, seeing their true form and how shallow and nasty they really were, and how much they held me back.

Well, I ain’t held back no more and I’m coming for my dream so you better be ready!

I’m coming!

B xoxox

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Me

Who else would come to lunch?

So I told you there would be a part two, but instead to put ‘else’ rather than part two, because we creative here Okurrr!

So someone I missed from the last post was my queen Adele. I love Adele. One reason why is because she is literally twinning my mother. In looks, her attitude to life, her charisma, her quirks, her Londoness. I absolutely love it. Her laugh is so infectious I could have a playlist of just Adele laughing let alone her amazingly constructed songs. Her songs have got me through tough times with boys, uni and life struggles. I so relate to her on many many levels its spooky!

I find her to be a modern legend. I usually find myself saying and hearing that no one today will go down in the books as a legend, like the late great Whitney, Michael, Aretha. Or the Celine Dions, the Mariahs or Madonnas, its just unheard of today. I think Adele is the one that breaks that. She is so secretive and then bang she pops out with an amazing single and an equally if not more amazing album that smashes records across the world. I just cant see anyone that matches that. She has not scandals, no back Door deals. She is her and thats it and thats what I love. So when she comes to tea I think it would simply be a cool, simple London chinwag over a cuppa, gossiping about our men, funny stories and just laughing. I just love Adele if you couldn’t tell by now!

Another person more than welcome to come to lunch is the late Alan Rickman. I was in my college library when the news broke that he had passed away. I ran out my college and called my mother. We were both so distraught. His portrayal of so many characters, but for me the most prominent in my life was the famous Severus Snape. I loved the Harry Potter franchise and still do. I watched and read all the books and films when I was growing up. I watched them all over again with my younger sister, and I can sense it will happen again with my brother. The story is timeless and the portrayal by Alan was just exquisite. Legend has it that he would be Severus even when the camera stopped rolling just so he could keep up the character. That made me fall in love with him even more. His dedication and selflessness for his art was legendary and is what made him one of the greats. I would to ask him more about how he felt while playing that role and what role was his favourite? He may not have liked Severus who knows? He may have loved Severus more than others he’s played, we will never know. All I know is that he played a huge part in my childhood so I would have to have a sit down chat with him.

Gosh I really feel a number three will come shortly as I have an almighty list!

Last person for this post is Oscar Wilde. He is another person I have discovered recently. I have read books of his growing up and recently read his book, the Picture of Dorian Gray. It had me so spooked and gripped. I have always admired his life, with him being a hugely successful writer and then when is was discovered that he was gay, the torture that was bestowed on him and then his eventual death, saddens me. I feel if he were alive today he would be admired so much by the LGBT community for his works, even if he wasn’t gay his works are so deep and meaningful they completely eclipse the fact of his sexuality. I would love to sit down with him to discus the inspiration for his works, most importantly for me, who is Dorian? Was he a real life inspiration or just a figure of the imagination? Who knows!

So thats it for part two! There are many more people I could pick but I will debate whether I will make a third part yet, if so it will come soon but again keep commenting who you would love to have lunch with and why, lets chat!

Good night lovelies!

B xoxox

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Fashion

Autumnal Wardrobe Tour: ASOS Haul

My reinvention post stated that I was reinventing my wardrobe, well I wanted to give you a sneak peak into what I have and what I am going to have to prepare for London Autumnal Realness!

The Trench is back!

I love trench coats. I have a beige one but I have had it a few years now and its starting to show its wear and tear. I will not rubbish it but I want to have it as part time, reduce its hours in the latter years of its life. So I wanted to go over to the dark side!

I found this black Trench in many places but the look of this one has me hooked! It’s from ASOS and it has sound reviews about it’s quality and look when it arrives as internet shopping scares me slightly. So I wanted to switch up the colours and go dark this time. My wardrobe will be a lot more black this year and it not because I want to become a goth. I simply love the sleekness of black. My devices my aesthetic in general lends itself to the colour black so I will be injecting a lot of black when and where its needed!

ASOS Design Longline Trench Coat, £60

Jumpers!

I love this jumper from ASOS. It’s colour is amazing and also lover the fact it only covers half the jumper, its one of those yeah, I like that designs. Nothing too in your face but still makes a statement. I love it! Also in this country you need a jumper in the Autumn, we tend to not have a normal autumn it just sort of blends in with Winter so its best to dress like winter is coming sometimes!

ASOS Textured Jumper in Ecru with Mixed Stripe, was £30 marked down to £15

Tassels have sort of consumed my being, sorry.

Now I follow many bloggers and one in particularly love is Riyadh Khalaf, he’s so funny and witty its great! Has great style sense too! However he recently announced he has a boyfriend in the form of Josh Harrison, and I happen to follow him too and he had this shirt. I fell in love straight away! Another ASOS bop! (This is an ASOS Haul if you haven’t realised already haha!)

Its a black denim style shirt and along the seams on the sleeve, stretches short tassels of the same fabric at the shirt, along the back and down the other sleeve. I love it! I love it because its out there and different but not so much in your face like some of other fashion choices (The chinos).

ASOS Design denim overshirt with studding and tassels, was £32 now £19

It’s time for footwear

These are pretty simple choices, I love Chelsea boots so have decided to trade in my wearing beige ones for an upgraded pair of black ones. I love them they go with so many clothing options they just work whenever you wear them!

ASOS Design Suede black Chelsea boots, £28

Lastly, I need some trousers.

I love trousers, I love skinny black denim jeans or chinos but I decided to take a chance and change it up slightly. So I have been loving tapered pin stripe trousers everywhere and I see them all the time, a lot of the time on gay guys which fills me with hope! So I decided to finally go for it, why not! They are amaze and the colour is a break from the black theme. A navy and white pin stripe. The bottom tapered slightly which I love and they would be great in formal and informal gatherings so like the boots very flexible in terms of where I can wear them! Which is an absolute must for me!

ASOS Design, Tapered smart tourers in navy and white pinstripe, £25

So thats it for this haul, there is a lot more but I am still working on it. So stay tuned, I liked doing this so I will do it a lot more often in the future and give you an insight into my style choices and why I chose those certain styles!

Until next time!

B xoxox

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Me

Who would I invite to lunch?

I had an idea. Whilst waiting for my bus I was thinking of all the people I would love to invite over to lunch, some alive, some have past, and I thought I would share them with you, and see if you have other suggestions!

My first person who would be invited is Michael Jackson. I recently watched the controversial Michael Bashir documentary and watching it really made me feel so sorry for Jackson, who had dedicated his life to entertainment and music, only to be made a cheap laughing stock. I have so many questions to ask him. I loved watching his shows and performances, seeing him move and wonder how he came to creating that dance move. Also some of his lyrics are so deep hitting and have such depth to them, the likes of Give In To Me and Who is It. Dangerous being my favourite album, I would love to learn the true narrative of those songs from his words and his mind. He was such a creative in anything he did so I would love to find out the behind the scenes of his mind, and what made him do what he does.

He was also a very messed up person due to his non existent childhood and abuse from his father, so I would to explore more into that area of his mind and how the experience as a child impacted him today, and whether he could ever get over such experience.

Another person who would most certainly be at my table is the late great Marilyn Monroe. I love her and my mother loves her even more. I find her immense beauty and also her complex mind to be very inspiring and also captivating. She really ducked the trend of the stereotypical dumb blonde gimmick. Well she wasn’t blonde at all actually she was dark haired but even still, with her trademark bleach blonde locks, she outsmarted people and was an independent thinker in what she wanted to do. She fell in love and had a very turbulent relationship with the Whitehouse, having affairs with both Bobby Kennedy, the Presidents Brother, and also the President Himself, Mr John F Kennedy. I would love to ask how that relationship occurred and to be honest, why she did it. She knew he had a wife in the form of Jackie and why the brother too! Its quite a sticky topic but I still idolise her as one of the greats in fashion and empowerment.

Next, Mr Steve Jobs. People who know me are probably like finally he would definitely be on the list, and he certainly is! I am awestruck and inspired by his leadership and his ability to run what is now the largest company in the world. Also seemingly predict what people would want before they even knew what they wanted. That skill is such a big one for me that I would love to dig deeper into. I also loved his personal philosophy. His connection and fascination of the arts and religion, somehow mixing this odd mix of beliefs and merging them with technology, this is something that only Steve could do. Humanising technology. Making it less scary and destructive, to calm, user friendly and nice to use! A lot of my leadership techniques are adapted and inspired by the late Steve jobs so being able to talk to the man himself over lunch would be awesome! I think I would need a weekend instead of a lunch!

Madonna would most certainly be at my table. She is similar to Michael in many ways in terms of exploring her creative genius and her creative process when she makes her music. The meaning behind many of her songs. My favourite album of hers would be Ray of Light, so asking her a lot of questions about what the meaning is behind songs like ‘Frozen’ and ‘The Power of goodbye’. Her ability to break down walls and be a leader in women’s rights, an advocate for gay and LGBT rights in general and just an all round fighter and trend setter in an industry thats very much becoming very stagnant and standardised. She is also such a philanthropist, so I would love to delve deeper into that more unknown side of Madonna and really get under her skin on all these topics.

So, like most of my posts lately, I have so much more to say so there will be a part two coming your way very soon, but if you have some people in mind that you would invite over for dinner, put them in the comments!

Let’s start a conversation! Until next time folks!

B xoxox

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Me

What you don’t know about me…

I have written a lot about my life since I started my blog over a year ago. This blog has documented my coming out, mental health struggles and the development of my business. So here’s a few things you still don’t know about me.

The first thing that you may not know is that I am incredibly insecure about most things. My body, relationships and most things that apply to life. I’m not sure why, its sort of always been there. I have always been insecure about my body and I even wrote a whole post about body confidence. I have not been the luckiest in love. The only people I’ve fully clicked with have lived in countries very far away from mine so distance has killed me. Others just haven’t worked out or turned into sour A Holes that just want one thing. So at the moment, I am content, well, with the person, but previous demons have haunted me greatly. Especially because I feel it going well, but the little nasty devils on my shoulder continue to fester it worries me. It will never work, what the hell does he see in you? Oh he will go and travel the world and leave you behind. All very dark and none of then exhibited in real life, but fester inside my mind.

Why? No clue, its just my mind. I try to control it with meditation (Which I have neglected as of late and really should start doing again!), and just speaking. I do lash out sometimes and it really annoys me.

So yeah, I don’t feel very confident in my body, even when I was at my best, which makes me sick when now I pine for that body back. My face is the only think I am ok with, apart from my droopy under chin bit and my jawline, isn’t the most defined but it works and its mine so its ok.

Another thing you may not know about me is I am petrified of Wasps. Hate them. NASTY! I love the environment which is another thing you may not about me, but the only thing Mother Nature created that I hate with all power invested in me are wasps. They do not die when they sting, they sting for no reason, compared to bees who sting only when they need too (never been stung by a bee) but die after. How tragic for something so cute! Wasps. Nope. I tried walking to my Nan’s door when I was younger and there was a nest by it, I never angered them or went near them, but low and behold they surround me and sting me. Horrid creatures.

Lastly, one thing you not know about me is I am also Petrified on dentists. Something probably quite generic like who likes the dentist (for those who do, freaks!) But no I am not just scared. I will sit and shake while waiting for the appointment, the mere thought of being in a dentists chair gives me the chills and a slight headache so that’s all I’m writing!

So thats all from me folks! Until next time. That was fun, there will prob be a part two to this!

B xoxox

Header Image from instagram.com/alex_n_j
Wasp Image from the website Unspash, user is Pawel Blazewicz
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