LGBT +, Me, My Diary

The good bits

This is the part where I would usually explain the elaborate and mysterious title I had chosen for the post, but this time I am keeping it simple and it pretty much explains itself ok. Do not judge me.

My last few posts have been pretty deep, talking about my fluctuating and deflated mental health over the last few months, to explaining about a recent event that made me think about the true meaning of Pride.

So I decided to side track all that and you know what, shock horror. In all that doom and gloom and despair and tears, there are some shiners! The GOOD BITS!

I love some good bits. So this post is a little ramble about all the good bits and updating the lovely reader reading this now (Thank you) that there are good things in life. No matter the crap and dirt life throws, there’s always some lemons on the shelf that allow you to make some cool and refreshing lemonade!

So the first great thing is the Mayors Entrepreneur Intern. Every year, the Mayor of london, Sadiq Khan at the moment, selects a handful of entrepreneurs to be Entrepreneur Interns for a year. This is such a huge opportunity that can lead to so many great things! Life, time and preparation stopped me last year from applying and just pure laziness on my part, however this year I made it my mission to get my head into gear and sign up! So I did! I shall sure write a post if I get it or not! Fingers crossed!

The second is the RAHM project. The RAHM project is a contest that gets lgbt CEOs from around the world to apply, contend and win a place on a two day extensive workshop that helps all the 100 CEOs selected to crack out a plan to fix or progress some form of injustice or inequality in the LGBT business world. I applied a few months ago and this week got told I made it through to the next round! Round 2 requires me to get someone to write me a supporting document so they know I am not making up the fact that I am the best leader in the world (LOL). I need to go through a interview and then await news of the next round! I am super excited as its something I have wanted to do ever since a friend of mine on the same course successfully got in and told me about it!

Lastly I have my third year timetable! I have two free days and the other three are not that bad timing either. It also dawned on me the fact that I GRADUATE THIS YEAR. My final year of university is almost upon me and it bloody scares me to death, but also excites the living daylights out of me!

There have been other good bits but the post will get rather long and I do not want to strain your eyes and brain reading a huge post, as I tend to write a lot, so bear with me.

If you follow my posts you will see I have been posting a lot more frequently lately and I feel I’m getting my writing bug back which I LOVE! When Uni starts next month, not going to lie I will probably be a little less frequent as life just works that way, but this blog is aimed at being my virtual diary for life, so for those following me journey thank you so much and there’s a long way to go and for those who have just joined my blog on this post, WELCOME! You are in for a ride trust me!

More to come folks!

B xoxox

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Me, My Diary

Don’t ignore the mind. It needs help too.

I have been informed, correct me if I am wrong but its mental health awareness week? I have seen a few posts on facebook about it but if it is or isn’t this post is just about that. Mental health.

Physically I am fine, but mentally I have felt weighted down and rather low for a few months now. I have always had a fluctuating mental health, with many changes in my life for the last two years It was too be expected and unusual if nothing happened! It reached a peak lately where just family life has become super hectic and theres a lot of strain coming from many facets of my life. Uni, family struggles, managing my business on top of that and also financial worries for the future. All of it come together and bashed me pretty hard and it hurt.

The biggest thing that got impacted was my naturual ability to be creative. I just haven’t had the motivation to do anything, design, cycle, blog or anything. My brain has been in a state of, what I would call a conscious coma. I am awake, alive, walking around and doing normal things, but my thinking, business and creative brain. Dead.

Now I would be able to create things, but for the sake of it. Thats not right. I have always been and will always be creative, but lately I haven’t felt like I have been truly creative just due to the strains on my mind, and my neglect on my part of my mental state of mind.

I would sit at my desk and wait for thing to flow. I would walk in the park, watch videos, just scribble on my iPad to try and ignite just something, but nothing. Brain dead.

However, a month ago, I decided to give my mind a brief break (Of course, only brief!) I started to do things again. Meet new people. Have fun, a laugh and giggle. Force myself back on the saddle and once I was on it, it was like I never left. Even my knee (Satan in body form) stayed ok and didn’t die on me when I got back into the cycling saddle!

I got my mojo back.

Now we are getting closer and closer to starting my third year of university. I feel myself fully starting to get back into my groove. I have even started doing new things, like drawing. I am a designer but drawing drawings I have never done, Im more of a minimal logo design kind of guy, web interfaces and interface design. However I have started to draw different logos, even finished Mickey Mouse today! Very impressed at my first attempt!

I can finally feel myself waking up from my conscious coma. Life still is difficult, the outside stimuli are still there, intensified in some areas. However I am trying to block them out, not let them get to me, and continue carving what I envision the future holds for me. I am going to continue doing that until, eventually, I would have built my house in the woods and brought my gun metal Tesla Model X and Office block in Central London! (Your boy has high hopes)

More coming soon peeps!

B xoxox

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So it’s 2018. A new year, and by the usual clichè means new me right?

Well this year, that statement is right.

2017 taught me so much about myself. I started dating for the first time, as a comfortable open gay man. Found some amazing people that I can still call friends, something that never usually happens but I somehow found. I experienced new feelings, new thoughts and a new mindset. I was beaten down, I rose up. So much happened in 2017, it almost feels like 2017 was the amalgamation of four or five years squeezed into one.

So, when 2017 was finally over, I entered with a new mindset and new vision for my life.

I also had a huge personal awakening about the future. My limited time at Uni, the fact I only have one year until this lovely freedom is over and its down to the big wide world. The world of education over and life of being a real independent adult begins. It occurred to me how many things I wanted to still achieve before my work as a serial entrepreneur takes up 200% of my time. Even though I’m working hard in Uni with my business, the fact this is uni still gives me a sense of freedom to do as a please, but that freedom is going to be over very soon. This was a shocking revelation that I already knew but somehow forgot (Or ignored).

I started a fresh and crafted a new me. Literally. Left 2017, and my dark brown hair behind and ushered in blonde, open, honest and experimental me to the mix. I’m still the same me, but I feel more confident, I feel more willing to try new things and feel like I can craft my own path to wherever I want to go.

In a way, I feel the same as I did in 2016 when I first came out. That buzz of something new, I’m thrilled to have that feeling back.

2017 worried me that I would not feel that way again because of the amount of crap that faced me. However, the relief was great when the feeling came back. I am comfortable to meet new people, date new people, enter a new phase of my life, where I can make up for the lost time when I was hiding in the closet of who and what I was.

My business is set to take off this year, and so am I. I’m ready to take this year and bring the learning from last year and making this year the year of me.

This is a good year 🙂

Stay tuned for more posts soon! I’m back and not going away again!

 

B x o x o x o

Me, My Diary

What 2017 Taught me.

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LGBT +, Me, My Diary

Letting Go III

The sun sets, finally after a long time. When a person you once held dear and close to your heart decides to become poison. Play with your mind and use their hold on your heart against you, make you feel weak and useless. Well that doors shut now. The one positive out of this situation is that I have realised how amazing my life is right now. The amazing friends I have, my family, my amazing man and my dreams ahead. The person that once was so strong to me, now but a shadow behind me, fading as the daylight falls as sunset nears. I now stride ahead, more confident and more determined to leave that behind me, carry on, and bloody achieve my upmost dreams and I have the best person next to me to guide me there. Off I go to my destiny, just with a little less luggage.

B x x x

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Business, Entrepreneur, Leadership, Me, My Diary

Say what you want.

Say what you want. That’s today’s theme.

What I have found lately is that people switch very quickly in your absence. Not all, as if you didn’t trust anyone that would be rather problematic, but some people. Some people who, in my mind, I feel are threatened, or feel they are threatened by your presence. Feel that the spotlight may be moving off from them and moving to someone else, that someone maybe, just maybe, came up with a better idea than yours.

Now a normal person, like you and I, would go to that person and express your thoughts. If I legitimately thought someone is in the wrong i go to them and have a quiet chat and chat things out over a coffee, move on, progress, and not linger and drag the past along. However some people do not work this way.

Some people are like fishing boats. They go along in life, and behind them, is a huge net and drags the negativity and the bitchiness of the past. Drag your flaws and your slight missteps, your personality, your life, behind with them. They then store it in this ever growing net they drag behind them and then use the contents as weapons against you. Now these weapons are not like guns and knives, bombs and shrapnel. They are poison. Slow acting, grinding poison, that builds and builds. They also don’t do it to your face. They cant, they just cant tell you to your face what they have. They decide to do it behind your back, and try and turn your closest friends against you and stain your name with their poison. Poison.

I have always known these people existed, we don’t live in an ideal world and never will. There are good and bad people and the  bit in between. I know that and always have.

However the thing I’ve learned lately, is that one, or two of these parasitic leeches has been attached to me. They have been behind me, nagging and applying their poison behind my back, tainting my name, staining my image.

Now, this was my problem. I have reacted in a big way before to similar circumstances, but then I was accused of being aggressive and mixing personal feelings with business feelings. I disagree with this but it was 11 against one so, didn’t really have much back up there.

So what do I do about these leeches? Apply the salt and hope they burn away. Maybe. However where do I get the salt from and how can I do this in a way they don’t react the same way, and I still retain my image?

I’m working on it.

I write this post, mostly as a reliever for me to get it out my system, much like most of my posts are, however I also want to prove a point, and show people that these people do exist and be wary with them. React in a calculated and strategic way. They want you to burst in and make a scene, as that will further stain your image and that will then be your fault. That’s how they work. Dark I know, but one thing I hold onto is this.

They keep collecting in that net, however nets have a certain limit until they break. So I will sit here, with my pop corn, ice cold Coca Cola, feet up in my lounge gear, and watch for that moment to come, as I sense it will be soon.

Don’t let people drag you along in their net, stand up, and show them you are more of a man or woman than they are, because you will publicly confront them whereas they lack the ability to do that, because leeches have a tendency to be very weak and also, by anatomical design, lack a backbone…

B x x x

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My Diary

Vol: VI

I haven’t done a post like this for a while.

Big things are coming. I can feel it.

Something I have always been confident in is my gut. That gut feeling that seems to know more than your actual brain sometimes, its rather scary.

My gut right now tells me one thing. After the rather bitter sweet year this was, as we begin the end of 2017 and enter 2018 in less than a months time, I feel next year will be a biggun.

This year has been a year if many firsts for me and self development. 2016 allowed me to become open and explore ways in which I want to open up to others about my sexuality. This year I explored the avenues of my sexuality, dated, and dated, and experimented with different things that allowed me to find myself. I met amazing people, and loved too. I had learning curves financially when I moved out for the first time, and also when I went on my own to explore New York. It made me realize how much I needed to learn and I learned quickly.

I opened up about my sexuality to the last people on my list and became fully out the closet. It brought its lows, but it definitely brought a lot more highs.

I then moved out and explored life living alone and then with a flatmate when we eventually arrived. She seemed nice at first until her true colours were revealed and well, lets just say we didn’t remain flatmates very long. But it was a learning curve.

This year has been all about learning for me. 2016 was the year of breaking barriers and so was this year, but this year was learning what to do once those barriers are gone. What do I do now? I’m open now, whats next?

This is when 2018 comes in.

Next year, I enter a new person, full of fire and a little beaten up after this year, but my shell is harder, my mind deeper, and my drive stronger than ever, and next year will be a piece of cake.

Next years bucket list destination is Australia, at the end of the year so I hit the summer time! Need to top up my tan that is now more or less fully gone from this years summer!

I plan to finally skydive, something I have wanted to do for years but have always had things get in the way. I plan to really launch and develop my app that I have been planning for a while and put the foundations down this year, next year the finished product will hit the world and propel my business to new heights. Well that’s the plan, but the future looks bright

The future Volumes of my diary sure look like a jolly good time and I cannot wait to get into 2018 and start right away!

B xoxox

 

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Me, My Diary

Vol V: Contented

I am content.

The thoughts inside my mind today are completely different to the thoughts I had kept deep inside just a few months ago.

I have undergone a seismic shift in the way my mind works and the way my mind processes things.

I know why and how this has happened, and its fantastic.

B x x x

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