Me

Will I love my body at some point, hopefully.

So lately I have had a lot of positivity in my life. I got accepted for three jobs, I got an internship i’ve always wanted, and my business is really gaining traction with multiple clients coming in. However there is something that is still haunting me in a big way. Now more than ever.

My body.

I’m not going to glamourise my language but to be frank I hate it. I feel stumpy, out of proportion and just not great. I always look at myself in the mirror or catch my reflection and have a sudden thought of distain.

However lately I have come to realise something. I have for some reason been bombarded with ads for gay dating apps. Grindr, Chappy and many more. Now as lovely as it is with google hearing how desperately I want a boyfriend, the ads always have something in common and no its not the sexually suggestive images that depict a ‘date’, its all the couples are perfect. Of course they want a happy couple, I can deal with that I want that too, but they always seem to be topless or in tight clothing, always have perfect jawlines, abs to die for, arms and necks of gods, shoulders of roman proportion and skin as flawless as the finest rubies on the planet. Nothing else. You either get the jocks or hunks, or you may see the odd ‘twink’ (despise that word).

Every time I see these images, I feel even more deflated and rejected than normal. These ads make me feel inadequate. I don’t conform or look like those norms. I have no abs, jaw to kill for, stunning skin and shoulders of roman quality.

And they are all the same! All of them! It does my head in and I cannot be the only one who feels this way.

Now I do not want to conform as I am not that sort of person, however I always want to look good. I aspire to impress people as that’s me, and fashion and the way I look are very important factors in my life. Some of my fashion is very average and conforming and some of it is very out there. However these ads and images everywhere I go always slap me back to reality that I really do hate my body sometimes. At the moment most of the time. I look in the mirror and just see stumpy and yuck. I look down and suck in my stomach so I doesn’t protrude. I have always been told It doesn’t look bad and looks normal but in my mind it’s horrid.

It also didn’t help having a tutor always greet you with, you are putting on weight is that a belly I see! Then learn that they were genuine and not joking or having a sick kind of sarcasm.

I just don’t know, will I love my body at some point, hopefully.

I just hate hating it but at the moment I feel there is no alternative.

B x x

Advertisements
Standard
Me

“The human body is the best work of art.”

The title is a quote from Jess C. Scott and it sums this post up rather well.

Body image has been a rather fickle topic for me. I have never looked at myself and gone, I look good! Now this may sound arrogant and narcissistic but its healthy to be happy with your body image.

I always saw my face as being weird, growing up I always disliked it. I never made my dislike public or out loud, but in my head I used to think all sorts of bad things. I looked ugly, my head shape was odd. My hair was awful. However as I grew up and experimented with different looks I found that my face had matured into something good. I now love how my face looks. I think how stupid I was thinking my face was ugly, and why I should feel that way. My face was constructed this way and this is the way its meant to be and its beautiful!

My next battle was my body.

I always used to look at my body and think the same way I did about my face. Everything was proportioned wrong. I was too skinny, I was too white, my body was as flat as an ironing board and had no shape to it at all.

I still think some of those things today.

When I started Uni and became open, I experimented with my fashion and loved trying new looks and love trying today. However I quickly found  myself being more and more critical of my body, to the point I would be looking down at my stomach every few minutes to make sure it was not protruding through my jumper, or if I wore something more figure hugging I would suck it in and make myself thinner, at the expense of comfort.

Saying it now sounds ridiculous but at the time its my rational way of getting through it. I started to realize this and think this has got to stop now.

I started to look at myself more in the mirror, something I would reject doing. I have now committed myself to trying to break into the professional cycling arena, so this means more working out and I also want to try swimming as a way of doing so, as its a really good way of exercising that exercise the body without putting strain on my knee which is still healing from overuse, and just less strain on all the joints.

I have already seen myself being more confident in my look, when it comes to my body, which I am very happy about.

I’m still on the journey and far from finished and fully body confident but this posts signposts an important shift in the right direction and I cannot be happier with the way its leading and I hope to update this post in a few months time with even more confidence!

B xoxox

Standard
Business, Entrepreneur, Me

It kept adding to my excitement, my fire to get started.

I was unsure how to start this one but here goes. I have always looked at University as something to aspire to. Never have I ever thought about not going to University. I always viewed it as one of the pinnacle moments of my life, and I still do. The thought of going to University excited me and made me push through the crap and the darkness I experienced during college.

So then I fast forward to flicking through the prospectus and find Entrepreneurship. It intrigued me as I have never heard of such a course before, I was originally looking for Business Management. Thank goodness whatever was watching over me and made me look at Entrepreneurship as I think I would have become a drop out if I went with my original choice (Sorry Business Management Students xD). I immediately registered my interest, went to the open day very nervous but as soon as my then course leader Jane Chang started talking the nerves turned to excitement, hunger for the challenge. I knew immediately this course was built for me when I heard it was based on a learning by doing approach. I have always been a very physical and visual learner. I learn by doing things, experimenting, changing and giving something a try. If it failed I would evaluate, re think and try again. That was, is and always will be the most effective learning style for me personally. Its one of the main reasons I dabbled with business so early on in my career. I wanted to test things out in real life, not just absorb what someone wrote on a page, go out and have a taste of what they spoke about in books.

IMG_3096

Ironically, as you read on, the amount of reading I do dramatically increases, but this is in line with more and more creative individuality and experiments in the real world with real business. Challenge.

During summer nothing much happened, I didn’t know what to expect on my first day, what we would do. Who I would meet. How they would be. Would they like me? Would it be like college and be fairly awkward? Would it be like what they explained at the open days? I guess through the summer I asked my self a lot of questions and looking back at that period, without realising I was mentally preparing myself for the immense paradigm shift that was ahead of me. Shift in the way I would work, understand the business world, interact with others, my mentality, my demeanour.

So, the day came. Walked in, went to my room and there was a circle of chairs (Theres a lot of circles in our learning so you better get used to it). I then saw a woman walk in, and started talking to her and we got on really well, as we still do being part of my team. Others started walking in and we spoke alot and the atmospher was great. It then got to the time we were meant to start and no teacher arrived, so we decided to go downstairs after a while and see what was going on. Turned out, we were reading the old schedule and the room had been changed, so me and my now collegue walked into the new room with around twenty three people in there, including our course leader and module leader. We managed to grab the last bit of the presentation that was being given but the late great Jeffrey Hynman, founder of Pret A Manger. Imagine that, a founder of such a big company like Pret, on our first day. This excited me greatly about the future we were going to have together. I then started to talk to other people and got on really well with them, I was surprised how well we got on and I’m glad we did now we are all such great friends two years on.

Once the talk from Jeffrey was over, we were then introduced to our first ever business challenge. On the course I do, we do many of these. Problems pitched to us by real life start up businesses, and we are tasked with solving the problems. Often the time we get given is twenty four hours, so you can understand the pressure and hands on approach of this course. It kept adding to my excitement, my fire to get started.

Standard
My Diary

Vol III

Now my last posts in my diary have been very negative and about the dark places I’ve been, let me tell you of the good times and how I feel now 🙂

Now as I said I’ve had ups in my life as well as downs, and these ups have been amazing. Ive met amazing people, some of them still with me today. These people have helped me grow into the person I am today, and helped me build my confidence to do things I have always wanted to do, even when times have been tough.

My amazing siblings, my sisters and brother, have all been so loving. I love being the oldest by a long shot, a 7 year gap between my oldest sister and an 18 year gap between my youngest most adorable brother! When my brother arrived, nearly two years ago now, it was so nice and he has developed and is developing into an amazing little boy indeed! Yes, I do get beaten up a lot but he’s cute so its fine! Thats what I’m there for!

Like all my sisters, he helped me grow into a much better person, and being older now, I can fully appreciate his little quirks and his growth step by step. It’s so heart warming to watch :).

Another up is leaving home in September. I am so so excited! I can’t wait for the independence, the learning, the freedom having my own place will give me. Free to build my business, bring friends over, and have a fun time without having to ‘schedule it in!’ haha!

d5acc689a6dcdd63586065b87ca60a8c--woodstock-snoopy-snoopy-charlie

Its also got a great view and will be newly built when I move in so again, its going to be great! Five of my closest friends are moving to the same building too, adding to the again very cool times we shall have ahead haha! Lots of fun, alcohol, and laughs!

It will be hard having to juggle rent with life and studies but its all part of learning and living in London, and everything I learn shall be kept for life, cooking, taking care of the place, rent, and more, all valuable skills for life ahead when I graduate and have to make a life for my own.

To say life ahead will be easy is codswallop (Haha always wanted to use that word at some point haha) but it will be challenging but a blast at the same time. You don’t get anything real from life without putting in the hard graft needed to get it. Some people appear to get what they want without having to put in hard work, but what they actually get isn’t real, its not hard earned, and to be honest, isn’t theirs.

Its important to look at life’s ups, as well as its downs, as the ups can be worth far more than the downs life throws at you. Keep going, never give up, and remember that luck will come your way, and life or fate will always give you something.

New post coming soon guys! Keep checkin’!!!

Ciao!

B x x x

 

Standard
Me

Letting go II.

So this is a post and topic I’ve written about before. This ones different.

Recently I’ve had to say goodbye, hopefully not forever but who knows, to something incredibly close to me.

Basically read Distance, and you will know what I’m saying goodbye too and it won’t sound like such a riddle.

Something. Someone. I truly truly love.

This isn’t very easy for me. I’ve tried to break away for both sanity, and just to protect my mental health, as I have been down a lot lately for the very issue of distance, to be honest, I’m broken.

I’ve never felt like this way before. I feel in a state of grief, but no one died. He is still there, I’m still here. Nothing has changed, expect everything has changed.

My feelings still haven’t changed, the love is still very there, and is still burning just as brightly as when it was first ignited. However there comes a time when that love, not neccesarily disappears but external factors, like distance, stretch it a little too far, to the point it snaps, and leaves you feeling broken and shattered inside.

I keep a smile plastered on my face, I keep going because if I stop I fear I won’t be able to start again.

I feel an immense gap in my life. The urge to contact is unbearable, but I can’t.

I did that before and we have got to where we have.

I would never regret a thing, but it has killed me, and been the best experience of my life. I’ve laughed, a lot, I have git grinned (he will know) a lot, I have cried, a lot.

Even though we were not in a relationship as such, I feel like I’ve broken from a life time partner. A marriage, a long term relationship. This is what made me realise the love I felt, when I first felt like this the first time we attempted to stop.

This time however, for both of our sanity and mental stability, needs to work, I still believe in the future we will see each other again and who knows, maybe something will happen, maybe something won’t, but I will be able to at least give him a hug, a pat on the back for enduring with me and the nags and baggage that come with me, for over three months.

So yeah,  I’m not ok but I will be.

I will always love him 

B x x x

Standard
Me

Distance.

Distances suck. In many ways.

Distance in conversation, distance in general. I don’t like it.

When it comes to Long Distance ‘Relationships’, they suck too, well, the distance bit anyway.

I have always found people who were involved in a long distance relationship very odd, in a nice way. How could they love someone who they couldn’t touch, or hug, or kiss, or do anything with. Technology was their only form of connection due to the sucky concept of Distance.

Then recently (Or fairly recently) I have found myself one of those people. Via the wonderful machine of Tinder, I matched and started to talk to this amazing guy, who was in London for a tour of Europe. We met in March after a few days of messaging. We went to bar, then another bar, and then about three more bars after that. We met at about one that afternoon, and it got to midnight and we decided to sit in Trafalgar square for about two and a half hours. Rearranged my hair and found out it looked good as a middle parting (It doesn’t), spoke about a wide array of subjects, and we were not drunk at all! Like being serious we had quite a few beverages but didn’t feel tipsy at all which was lovely.

That evening was magical. It was simple but beautiful and that evening will be cemented into my mind for the rest of my life.

We are still in contact. We text everyday and try to call everyday, but sometimes due to situational factors we can’t.

Literally the whole bubble is perfect, the only problem is him being in Australia. The prospect of him coming to the UK to live is very much possible, but its not guaranteed, and I think this is the thing that kills me the most.

Waiting.

He is a wonderful guy in every way, funny, loving, witty, intelligent, very very annoying. Its just so annoying having 10,310 miles in-between you.

There has been so many times where I’ve felt so down and I’ve ranted to him about my crappy day, and not even being able to give or receive a hug. Its a very sad and emotional space to be in, but then you don’t want to leave that bubble because the guy on the other side, I love him, and wouldn’t want him to leave anytime soon.

I’ve tried to cut contact twice, and we agreed to not talk to each other, just because it was hurting us too much, but always ended up talking again, which I’m happy about to be honest.

This is the time to ask, do you regret matching, or meeting in general? The answer would be absolutely not.

I regret nothing in my life so far, and aim to not regret anything, and this can be a dangerous path to go down. However no, even though talking to this person has made me happy, made me sad, made me laugh and made me cry. He has made me into a much better person since talking to him. Also I still retain onto the hope that soon, I will see him, and will meet him, and I will be able to hug and cuddle him to death haha (You have been warned!)

Although we are not in a relationship, as in romantic relationship, we are still in a relationship of some degree, whether it be romantic or friendship for now, its still a long distance relationship to some degree.

So if you are reading this and in a similar situation, don’t worry you are not alone. I thought I was until I consulted other blogs and youtube videos of people in the same position as me and seeing how they deal with the long distance.

Have hope, if you mutually like, or mutually love each other, Im a firm believer that things will come your way and time will inevitably bring you together 🙂

B x x x

Standard
Me

Well hello there.

Sooooooo

Been working on it for a little while and have been thinking of doing it for a little while, however finally taken the plunge and I’ve gone to the world of Youtube! Im aiming to make one video a week, like my blog ranging in topics, and always personal and authentic to me haha! So catch a watch of my ‘intro’ (The videos will be better haha) and I had a little help from Theresa May too, which was nice of her! So catch a watch and yeah lets see where this goes!

Standard