Me

Will I love my body at some point, hopefully.

So lately I have had a lot of positivity in my life. I got accepted for three jobs, I got an internship i’ve always wanted, and my business is really gaining traction with multiple clients coming in. However there is something that is still haunting me in a big way. Now more than ever.

My body.

I’m not going to glamourise my language but to be frank I hate it. I feel stumpy, out of proportion and just not great. I always look at myself in the mirror or catch my reflection and have a sudden thought of distain.

However lately I have come to realise something. I have for some reason been bombarded with ads for gay dating apps. Grindr, Chappy and many more. Now as lovely as it is with google hearing how desperately I want a boyfriend, the ads always have something in common and no its not the sexually suggestive images that depict a ‘date’, its all the couples are perfect. Of course they want a happy couple, I can deal with that I want that too, but they always seem to be topless or in tight clothing, always have perfect jawlines, abs to die for, arms and necks of gods, shoulders of roman proportion and skin as flawless as the finest rubies on the planet. Nothing else. You either get the jocks or hunks, or you may see the odd ‘twink’ (despise that word).

Every time I see these images, I feel even more deflated and rejected than normal. These ads make me feel inadequate. I don’t conform or look like those norms. I have no abs, jaw to kill for, stunning skin and shoulders of roman quality.

And they are all the same! All of them! It does my head in and I cannot be the only one who feels this way.

Now I do not want to conform as I am not that sort of person, however I always want to look good. I aspire to impress people as that’s me, and fashion and the way I look are very important factors in my life. Some of my fashion is very average and conforming and some of it is very out there. However these ads and images everywhere I go always slap me back to reality that I really do hate my body sometimes. At the moment most of the time. I look in the mirror and just see stumpy and yuck. I look down and suck in my stomach so I doesn’t protrude. I have always been told It doesn’t look bad and looks normal but in my mind it’s horrid.

It also didn’t help having a tutor always greet you with, you are putting on weight is that a belly I see! Then learn that they were genuine and not joking or having a sick kind of sarcasm.

I just don’t know, will I love my body at some point, hopefully.

I just hate hating it but at the moment I feel there is no alternative.

B x x

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Me

“The human body is the best work of art.”

The title is a quote from Jess C. Scott and it sums this post up rather well.

Body image has been a rather fickle topic for me. I have never looked at myself and gone, I look good! Now this may sound arrogant and narcissistic but its healthy to be happy with your body image.

I always saw my face as being weird, growing up I always disliked it. I never made my dislike public or out loud, but in my head I used to think all sorts of bad things. I looked ugly, my head shape was odd. My hair was awful. However as I grew up and experimented with different looks I found that my face had matured into something good. I now love how my face looks. I think how stupid I was thinking my face was ugly, and why I should feel that way. My face was constructed this way and this is the way its meant to be and its beautiful!

My next battle was my body.

I always used to look at my body and think the same way I did about my face. Everything was proportioned wrong. I was too skinny, I was too white, my body was as flat as an ironing board and had no shape to it at all.

I still think some of those things today.

When I started Uni and became open, I experimented with my fashion and loved trying new looks and love trying today. However I quickly found  myself being more and more critical of my body, to the point I would be looking down at my stomach every few minutes to make sure it was not protruding through my jumper, or if I wore something more figure hugging I would suck it in and make myself thinner, at the expense of comfort.

Saying it now sounds ridiculous but at the time its my rational way of getting through it. I started to realize this and think this has got to stop now.

I started to look at myself more in the mirror, something I would reject doing. I have now committed myself to trying to break into the professional cycling arena, so this means more working out and I also want to try swimming as a way of doing so, as its a really good way of exercising that exercise the body without putting strain on my knee which is still healing from overuse, and just less strain on all the joints.

I have already seen myself being more confident in my look, when it comes to my body, which I am very happy about.

I’m still on the journey and far from finished and fully body confident but this posts signposts an important shift in the right direction and I cannot be happier with the way its leading and I hope to update this post in a few months time with even more confidence!

B xoxox

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Business, Entrepreneur, Leadership, Me, My Diary

Say what you want.

Say what you want. That’s today’s theme.

What I have found lately is that people switch very quickly in your absence. Not all, as if you didn’t trust anyone that would be rather problematic, but some people. Some people who, in my mind, I feel are threatened, or feel they are threatened by your presence. Feel that the spotlight may be moving off from them and moving to someone else, that someone maybe, just maybe, came up with a better idea than yours.

Now a normal person, like you and I, would go to that person and express your thoughts. If I legitimately thought someone is in the wrong i go to them and have a quiet chat and chat things out over a coffee, move on, progress, and not linger and drag the past along. However some people do not work this way.

Some people are like fishing boats. They go along in life, and behind them, is a huge net and drags the negativity and the bitchiness of the past. Drag your flaws and your slight missteps, your personality, your life, behind with them. They then store it in this ever growing net they drag behind them and then use the contents as weapons against you. Now these weapons are not like guns and knives, bombs and shrapnel. They are poison. Slow acting, grinding poison, that builds and builds. They also don’t do it to your face. They cant, they just cant tell you to your face what they have. They decide to do it behind your back, and try and turn your closest friends against you and stain your name with their poison. Poison.

I have always known these people existed, we don’t live in an ideal world and never will. There are good and bad people and the  bit in between. I know that and always have.

However the thing I’ve learned lately, is that one, or two of these parasitic leeches has been attached to me. They have been behind me, nagging and applying their poison behind my back, tainting my name, staining my image.

Now, this was my problem. I have reacted in a big way before to similar circumstances, but then I was accused of being aggressive and mixing personal feelings with business feelings. I disagree with this but it was 11 against one so, didn’t really have much back up there.

So what do I do about these leeches? Apply the salt and hope they burn away. Maybe. However where do I get the salt from and how can I do this in a way they don’t react the same way, and I still retain my image?

I’m working on it.

I write this post, mostly as a reliever for me to get it out my system, much like most of my posts are, however I also want to prove a point, and show people that these people do exist and be wary with them. React in a calculated and strategic way. They want you to burst in and make a scene, as that will further stain your image and that will then be your fault. That’s how they work. Dark I know, but one thing I hold onto is this.

They keep collecting in that net, however nets have a certain limit until they break. So I will sit here, with my pop corn, ice cold Coca Cola, feet up in my lounge gear, and watch for that moment to come, as I sense it will be soon.

Don’t let people drag you along in their net, stand up, and show them you are more of a man or woman than they are, because you will publicly confront them whereas they lack the ability to do that, because leeches have a tendency to be very weak and also, by anatomical design, lack a backbone…

B x x x

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Business, Entrepreneur, Me

It kept adding to my excitement, my fire to get started.

I was unsure how to start this one but here goes. I have always looked at University as something to aspire to. Never have I ever thought about not going to University. I always viewed it as one of the pinnacle moments of my life, and I still do. The thought of going to University excited me and made me push through the crap and the darkness I experienced during college.

So then I fast forward to flicking through the prospectus and find Entrepreneurship. It intrigued me as I have never heard of such a course before, I was originally looking for Business Management. Thank goodness whatever was watching over me and made me look at Entrepreneurship as I think I would have become a drop out if I went with my original choice (Sorry Business Management Students xD). I immediately registered my interest, went to the open day very nervous but as soon as my then course leader Jane Chang started talking the nerves turned to excitement, hunger for the challenge. I knew immediately this course was built for me when I heard it was based on a learning by doing approach. I have always been a very physical and visual learner. I learn by doing things, experimenting, changing and giving something a try. If it failed I would evaluate, re think and try again. That was, is and always will be the most effective learning style for me personally. Its one of the main reasons I dabbled with business so early on in my career. I wanted to test things out in real life, not just absorb what someone wrote on a page, go out and have a taste of what they spoke about in books.

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Ironically, as you read on, the amount of reading I do dramatically increases, but this is in line with more and more creative individuality and experiments in the real world with real business. Challenge.

During summer nothing much happened, I didn’t know what to expect on my first day, what we would do. Who I would meet. How they would be. Would they like me? Would it be like college and be fairly awkward? Would it be like what they explained at the open days? I guess through the summer I asked my self a lot of questions and looking back at that period, without realising I was mentally preparing myself for the immense paradigm shift that was ahead of me. Shift in the way I would work, understand the business world, interact with others, my mentality, my demeanour.

So, the day came. Walked in, went to my room and there was a circle of chairs (Theres a lot of circles in our learning so you better get used to it). I then saw a woman walk in, and started talking to her and we got on really well, as we still do being part of my team. Others started walking in and we spoke alot and the atmospher was great. It then got to the time we were meant to start and no teacher arrived, so we decided to go downstairs after a while and see what was going on. Turned out, we were reading the old schedule and the room had been changed, so me and my now collegue walked into the new room with around twenty three people in there, including our course leader and module leader. We managed to grab the last bit of the presentation that was being given but the late great Jeffrey Hynman, founder of Pret A Manger. Imagine that, a founder of such a big company like Pret, on our first day. This excited me greatly about the future we were going to have together. I then started to talk to other people and got on really well with them, I was surprised how well we got on and I’m glad we did now we are all such great friends two years on.

Once the talk from Jeffrey was over, we were then introduced to our first ever business challenge. On the course I do, we do many of these. Problems pitched to us by real life start up businesses, and we are tasked with solving the problems. Often the time we get given is twenty four hours, so you can understand the pressure and hands on approach of this course. It kept adding to my excitement, my fire to get started.

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Music

When you call my name, it’s like a little prayer 

I find madonna a truly great artist. She’s an icon that did and continues to push boundaries in our society and the image that we want to pursue. She has embraced, and expressed herself so that we can express ourselves too!

Now one of the songs I truly adore from Madonna is Like a Prayer. This is one of her most well known songs and there will be more to come but this song is Definately one of my faves.

Oke segment of the song that really catches me is this;

I hear your voice, it’s like an angel sighing
I have no choice, I hear your voice
Feels like flying
I close my eyes, Oh God I think I’m falling
Out of the sky, I close my eyes
Heaven help me

I have always loved this song. I say it to my most of my music posts, but I truly do! A lot of these songs I have known and listed too for many years and love them. However as time goes on these songs pick up a different meaning to me, after life experiences, people, ideas and progression. Many of these songs have been there for me when Times gets tough and I just don’t feel great in myself. They have been good for me lately, broke my self induced Barrier and let’s all my emotion out, and helps me reboot.

Like a Prayer is one of those songs indeed!

Like a Prayer

Life is a mystery,
Everyone must stand alone
I hear you call my name
And it feels like home

[Chorus:]
When you call my name it’s like a little prayer
I’m down on my knees, I wanna take you there
In the midnight hour I can feel your power
Just like a prayer you know I’ll take you there

I hear your voice, it’s like an angel sighing
I have no choice, I hear your voice
Feels like flying
I close my eyes, Oh God I think I’m falling
Out of the sky, I close my eyes
Heaven help me

[Chorus x2]

Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone
I hear you call my name
And it feels like…

[Chorus x2 (with Choir)]
(Just like a prayer, I’ll take you there
It’s like a dream to me)

Brandon x x x

Writer(s): Madonna, Patrick Leonard

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Me

Well hello there.

Sooooooo

Been working on it for a little while and have been thinking of doing it for a little while, however finally taken the plunge and I’ve gone to the world of Youtube! Im aiming to make one video a week, like my blog ranging in topics, and always personal and authentic to me haha! So catch a watch of my ‘intro’ (The videos will be better haha) and I had a little help from Theresa May too, which was nice of her! So catch a watch and yeah lets see where this goes!

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LGBT +, Me

To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.

The title is a quote from Simone de Beauvoir. Its a quote that sums this post up rather well.

The inspiration for me to write this came from watching a program on BBC Three called Queer Britain. It is a documentary that explores different sectors of the LGBTQ Community and the prejudice and problems that they face. This episode in particular however was all about the body pressures in the gay community.

I have never been very body confident. Im not fat, Im not Skinny, however if you were to ask if I take my top off on the beach on a hot day. Never. I have never been able to say I’m very confident when it comes to body, although in reality there isn’t really anything I shouldn’t be confident about. Im a slim average guy, I exercise and stay fit. Even still I feel pressure from all sides on not having a great body. Why?

The program discussed many issues, from body shaming, fem shaming and the ideal ‘gay guy’.

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Fem Shaming is a form of discrimination where guys are targeted and shamed for being too feminine, although they identify as a guy. This happens on a daily basis, everywhere. Im quite lucky in the fact that I don’t look as feminine as some other gay guys who do get fem shamed. However the main part of this segment of the documentary that shocked me the most, is that is has been found that most of the body shaming and fem shaming being inflicted on gay guys, is from other gay guys. This profoundly shocked me.

The one community you thought you would be fully accepted in, are the ones actually doing most of the discrimination and putting the most pressure on you to look and conform a certain way.

Many guys, especially in the gay community, tend to hit the gym, and turn masculine and look for the ideal masculine body. Muscles, chiselled lines. Turn to be more on the ‘Hunk’ label in the body image spectrum. However some guys of other body types, like in the ‘Twink’ (Hate the word!) and who are slim and are more feminine in nature, are deemed lesser as they don’t have the muscle and the bulk that the hunky muscle guys have.

I found this very relatable. I do often look at myself and think, I need a little more muscle. I need to go to the gym, I need to bulk out. This is mostly because of this pressure to look good, as image is very important to me. I want to always present myself in a reputable and good manor for business, and just for myself I always strive to look my best. So when it comes to my body, this is where my lack of confidence lies.

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Queer Britain is presented by Riyadh Khalaf, a gay YouTuber and Journalist

The show, presented by Riyadh Khalaf, a gay YouTuber himself, also went on to talk about the sexualisation, and the highly sexual labels when it comes to identifying your body type. The two labels you could choose from, as a gay guy, is either highly masculine, so the ‘top’ as you could say, and then the feminine guy ‘Twink’ or ‘bottom’. Thats how narrow the labelling and identification of your body can be in the gay community.

Its sad as you would think that the community would be highly supportive no matter your size or shape, or mannerisms. However its not all as it seems.

I am starting to get back on the bike, go on lots of walks and will be starting the gym very soon once I move house. I do agree, it is partly an attempt to get a better body. I would be lying if I said there wasn’t at all a part of me that felt like that. However the more I think of it the fitness side of it, just keeping fit, outweighs the getting a better body. The better body at this moment in time is a bonus. I have a long way to go before Im fully body confident as I said, Im not confident at all. However I do feel my feelings and confidence in terms of accepting my body slowly changing so hopefully, in the future, I will be able to say Im fully confident in my body and in my self!

Be true to yourself, and love your body 🙂

Brandon x x x

 

 

 

 

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