Will I love my body at some point, hopefully.

So lately I have had a lot of positivity in my life. I got accepted for three jobs, I got an internship i’ve always wanted, and my business is really gaining traction with multiple clients coming in. However there is something that is still haunting me in a big way. Now more than ever.

My body.

I’m not going to glamourise my language but to be frank I hate it. I feel stumpy, out of proportion and just not great. I always look at myself in the mirror or catch my reflection and have a sudden thought of distain.

However lately I have come to realise something. I have for some reason been bombarded with ads for gay dating apps. Grindr, Chappy and many more. Now as lovely as it is with google hearing how desperately I want a boyfriend, the ads always have something in common and no its not the sexually suggestive images that depict a ‘date’, its all the couples are perfect. Of course they want a happy couple, I can deal with that I want that too, but they always seem to be topless or in tight clothing, always have perfect jawlines, abs to die for, arms and necks of gods, shoulders of roman proportion and skin as flawless as the finest rubies on the planet. Nothing else. You either get the jocks or hunks, or you may see the odd ‘twink’ (despise that word).

Every time I see these images, I feel even more deflated and rejected than normal. These ads make me feel inadequate. I don’t conform or look like those norms. I have no abs, jaw to kill for, stunning skin and shoulders of roman quality.

And they are all the same! All of them! It does my head in and I cannot be the only one who feels this way.

Now I do not want to conform as I am not that sort of person, however I always want to look good. I aspire to impress people as that’s me, and fashion and the way I look are very important factors in my life. Some of my fashion is very average and conforming and some of it is very out there. However these ads and images everywhere I go always slap me back to reality that I really do hate my body sometimes. At the moment most of the time. I look in the mirror and just see stumpy and yuck. I look down and suck in my stomach so I doesn’t protrude. I have always been told It doesn’t look bad and looks normal but in my mind it’s horrid.

It also didn’t help having a tutor always greet you with, you are putting on weight is that a belly I see! Then learn that they were genuine and not joking or having a sick kind of sarcasm.

I just don’t know, will I love my body at some point, hopefully.

I just hate hating it but at the moment I feel there is no alternative.

B x x


Well hello there.


Been working on it for a little while and have been thinking of doing it for a little while, however finally taken the plunge and I’ve gone to the world of Youtube! Im aiming to make one video a week, like my blog ranging in topics, and always personal and authentic to me haha! So catch a watch of my ‘intro’ (The videos will be better haha) and I had a little help from Theresa May too, which was nice of her! So catch a watch and yeah lets see where this goes!


Why I dislike the term ‘Queer’

I often hear the term queer used these days. Gender queer, identifying as queer. I however, technically ‘queer’ as the term defines, have never really liked the term.

When I looked up the definition of queer, as a word, it’s often connected to ‘abnormality’ and ‘strangeness’, unorthodox thinking. I don’t feel me being gay is something of an abnomilty or strange. It’s a way of life, it’s the way I’m wired, its how I live. To me heterosexuality is strange, and is something I would not engage with. So how comes homosexuality can be defined with a term that constitutes abnormality.

Strange, abnormal, perplexing, deviant, baffling, spoil and ruin, All words I would not connote with me being gay

The image shows the definition, the definition in the oxford English dictionary is very much the same too.

However, I did recently stumble upon an article about why the LGBT community should embrace the word queer, and it did raise some interesting points I haven’t thought of before.

It first raised the issue of derogatory use, which I argue against, and one of the main reasons why I don’t like the term. However in equal measure the word has been turned about and used as a term of empowerment, a term of acceptance to many people.

I never thought of it this way before.

An extract that most fascinated me came from this section of the article;

There is no doubt that the word has a complex history, that includes derogatory use by bullies and people who intend harm. ‘Queer’ also has a long history as a term of re-empowerment by the LGBTQ community, as a unifying term that recognizes that many complex identities that make up the LGBTIQQ (and many other identities) community. In fact, over the last thirty years, queer has emerged in academia, politics, and even popular culture as a term of identity, inclusion, and more and more positive use…

This really made me rethink my way of looking at the term.

I still do not feel comfortable with the term however I feel I have better understanding as to why people use the term. I no longer feel perplexed by the thought of people identifying as queer, which I felt before to be a very negative and nasty word in a way. I now see it as a personal choice, as a word that had a bad past however has been hijacked by the very people it tried to divide and has become a uniting term.

This is my view, let me know how you feel, but the article I quoted from is this (Accessed on the 11th June)

That’s it from me, a new post coming shortly 🙂


Brandon x x x