Writing

When he falls, the vultures come circling.

His vision is fuzzy, the long road to the finish line seems bleak and the skies are darkening. His legs, weakening, limping, struggling to move until they buckle under the weight of his own sorrow. There he lay, emotionless, motionless and alone. All that surrounds him is barron wasteland and all that fills his mind is the memories of good times past, and his dreams he still holds close.

Looking at this bleak picture, his fate looks sealed and final, and his days numbered. He had given up. What was the point on keeping on going down this long winding road with no destination in sight? The world against him, punishing him with every step he took.

Days past, then months, and he still lay still and calm. Mind still on fire, but not dead. His life not yet extinguished. One thing had changed however. The land seemed dryer, darker. The ground cracking and the only sound that remained was the sombre hum of the wind navigating through the branches of the one tree left in this baron wasteland.

While laying there, he had a vision, the first vision he had since his downfall. A bird.

A bird had come and perched on his arm as he sat on a bench, with bright green lawn beneath him and the sweet sound of the robins and the swallows filled the air. Where was he? He didn’t know, but the vision continued. He was joined by another bird, then another, and another. Soon he was surrounded by many birds, all decorated with beautiful features and painted the lawn with multi colour brilliance. The single bird perched on his arm gave him a call, a warning. He was confused at first and was not sure what this warning was about. Why was he being warned? What was the bird trying to say? He continued to listen to the bird as it consistently warned him. It then began to make sense.

He was in danger.

His vulnerability had left him open to danger. As quickly at the vision had begun, it stopped and he woke up. Still laying he dazed into the never ending horizon of the wasteland he had found himself trapped in. There were multiple fuzzy shapes in the distance that were getting closer but his vision had still not cleared so it was hard to tell what they were. As they came closer, their shape had begun to sharpen and it became clear what they were. Four of them stood around him. They stopped and looked at him. Almost laughing at him as he lay there powerless. They circled around and spoke to eachother, nothing he could distinguish. They kept circling and circling and their muffles got louder and louder.

Then, as if something stopped them dead, they fell to floor. One by one they hit the ground with force as the wind was taken from their wings. Vultures. They were vultures.

As the last one hit the floor, he began to move, the first time in months. He moved his leg, then his arm, then he moved his head to look up at the sky. Confused, he saw the sky breaking, a huge rift in the middle of the dark and dense atmosphere above him. A bright light shined through as the sky continued to split, and after a short while, the light filled the sky.

He pushed himself upright and began attempting to stand up, after a few times and a few falls, he prevailed and stood on his feet. As if he was a new born horse, stumbled around but remained upright. He gazed into the bright sky once more and was still confused as to what happened. The man then fell and found himself falling into a bench. He looked around and saw green grass. Leaf rich trees swaying with the gentle summer breeze. People walking past him full of glee and joy. Children running and playing on the vast fields that surrounded him. It soon occured to him that he had finally reached his destination. He was home.

He thought about the torment he had gone through. The walking, the endless tiresome walking, to the fall, to the vision, and to the vultures. Those damn vultures. Never again would he trust the vultures that came circling during his darkest hour.

Still sat on the bench, a bird landed on his knee and looked up at him. It was the same bird in his vision, but this time was alone, and silent. No more did he need to warn. He had won.

The vultures were no more.

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Well like I said I wanted to keep a nice schedule of posts going and when I feel low writing helps me pick myself up again! So enough about childish boys let’s talk about some queens. In particular the queen herself, Mariah Carey. I have been a Lamb (Fan of hers, Mariah speak), for a long time and there are not many songs of hers if not any that I dislike. However her last album didn’t woo me as much as I would have liked and I did start to worry that even her star power was being to wain. 

However, the move to sign and make albums under her own label and the new direction she has found in music has done her the world of good because she has come back a new, yet still essentially the same, woman. She keeps her persona the same, the sound is very much Mariah, however this record has such a freshness to it. 

The record in question is her 15th record, named Caution. I have listened to it according to Spotify for 33 hours straight since it launched on November 16th, and I could listen to it for another 33 hours easily. It has such a fresh sound to it. I also LOVE LOVE LOVE the leading track, Caution. It has such a defiance and sexiness to it, with the deep synths and echoes of her voice throughout the whole song. The chorus beat drop is also epic. Just like the one in The Distance, it just transports you to another world entirely. It’s ear porn, no question about it.

She also has such a strong voice throughout this record. In the last record, which I also loved, but I do admit her vocals sounded strained in parts. Not on caution, she is very much back and back stronger than ever. She has come into her own and I can only compare this to the likes of the Emancipation of Mimi, when she dipped (I have no idea why!) with the release of Charm-bracelet, then came out with a song that has been one of her biggest in her entire career, We Belong Together. Caution is that album.

The sound is new, the image is new, the lyrics are strong and defiant, yet still show vulnerability with songs like Portrait. 

Now I am going to rank the songs on the record from my faves to the least, however even though the ‘least’ are on the bottom of my list, that does not mean they are crap, all the songs on this album are LIT! 

  1. Caution 
  2. Stay Long Love You
  3. The Distance / A No No (Sorry they tie!)
  4. One Mo’Gen
  5. With You
  6. GTFO
  7. Giving me Life
  8. 8th Grade
  9. Portrait 

Now these are my PERSONAL views, of the songs that I listen to the most on the album to the ones I don’t but like I said, ALL are amazing! 

I just love Mariah. She has stood the test of time, people comparing her to every single ‘diva’ alive. People saying her voice is dead, people saying she is over and her reign is gone. I think one listen to Caution and you will see she is very much alive, her voice is all there, and her lyrical genius and ability to stay relevant in an ever changing world is admirable and just plain right amazing! She doesn’t get enough credit for the fact she writes or at least co writes all her songs, not many artists can say that and have been as successful as Mariah. 

So long live the queen, I shall now go back to listening to Caution for the 1 millionth time, enjoying just as much as I did when I first listened to it!

Music

Proceed with Caution: Mariah’s latest album literally has me gagged.

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Business, Entrepreneur, Me

The Excitement Every Entrepreneur Knows

So, I wrote a post a little while ago titled the Story of Serenity, and it was the first time I reflected back and actually wrote down my reflection of how I came to be with the business I run today. It was such a life and mindset changing experience. Being able to see where I am and realise where I was, was such a different story. Also realising that it was ok to have something happen like that! As an entrepreneur I have come to realise many things and one of those things is that change and evolution come hand in hand with the role of business owner. One of the thrills of running your own business.

So lately I have been hard at work. Since May I have been on the grind refining all the work and research I have been doing for the last year and half and making sense of it. Also witnessing the portfolio I have generated has impressed me as it far exceeded what I intended to generate in the time period I allocated for the task.

My last goal for this summer was a new launch and huge new marketing push for September, and well, its September and I think its time. I have changed a lot of things, at the same time not changing much. My business values are still the same, maybe a little stronger, my drive is the same, again maybe a little stronger, and my determination ever growing.

I am about to release a brand new site for my business. Now you may say, Brandon you are a web designer and launch new sites all the time what’s different about this one? Why is this one so exciting? Well this one symbolises a milestone for my business. Over the summer I secured my first 8 Clients. I have some more interest for the future too which makes me even more happy! This new site to me is the closest push to the end goal I have been chasing for years, launching a money making company. A company that could sustain me on its own without the need of an external job. A company that will eventually sustain others too apart from myself.

It also just looks amazing! This site is so clean and so my brand I cannot even fathom how excited I am!

The urge to just publish it now is real! However I also like this feeling of anticipation so much I would in an ideal world maybe push back the launch by a week so I can relish in it some more, but would be awful PR so I will not be doing that!

On the 1st October it will open its doors and the world will get to see what I have been working on for the summer, and I cannot bloody wait!

This feeling is exactly the feeling I felt when I registered my first company, Serenity Co Software. It was a feeling of elation two years ago when I filled out the form to Companies House and got my incorporation statement back the next day saying I am now a certified PLC. I now have two companies, Serenity Co Software and a Year Later Serenity Technology Group, when I put together my 10 – 20 year vision for what I wanted for the Serenity Brand going forward, and Serenity Design is just the start!

I cannot wait to see where this company is going to take me. This company has already taken me on such an amazing journey for the last two years and for the third year, she’s ready to take over the mother tucking world henny!

So sit back, get comfortable and get ready for one hell of a ride!

#SerenityDesign

B xoxo

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Me

The ghosts of the past.

So The day was to be a bittersweet one. The day before, saw such promise. A day filled with new opportunities, and a new direction for the future. However upon waking up that day, there was a bitter taste.

The sudden appearance of the ghost of the past. Cold, offending, and just darn right rude!

That was a dramatic entrance wasn’t it. Now you are hooked let me spill the tea!

So the other day, I was contacted for the first time in over half a year, by a person from the past and it threw me. Now I am going to admit I did contact first, to see how they were as I saw an old photo and although there was no feeling I always wondered what they did after I knew them.

However after my four word message of hey, how are you? What I got was beyond comprehension.

A huge mammoth paragraph, 80% wrong, 10% wtf and 10%bs to be quite frank.

I appeared that my question was answered, they turned into a very bitter human being with a very bitter outlook on life and seemed to blame that bitter outlook on my simple actions of talking and actually raising critical topics that were never dared touched.

This lead to more responses of equal amount of BS, WTF and lies. Now I laughed mostly at them because as I said, I have moved on very far from that period of my life, and I only wanted to check in and even see if I would get a response. I never wanted to jump back into that part of my life, hell no. However only one thing hurt me and that it was the anger and spiteful ness they threw at me. As if it was my courage of talking that destroyed their life. Their life was not destroyed. They simply waited a year to actually start to open up after many a moon of me trying to pry open a locked door.

Why would I write this ordeal, as it really was, as a blog post you may ask?

Well, this blog is my thoughts to words and this really played on my mind. I thought back to how dark my life was then and how depressed and unhappy I was, and it made me really sad. However the ghost from Christmas past quickly was overshadowed by the fact I GOT A JOB! AND SUCCEEDED THE INTERVIEW!

I was so happy, it was the thing I needed to block the ghost from my mind. The images from the past flooding back. To be honest I should not have messaged but I thought I was being nice, maybe I opened Pandora’s box and luckily managed to close it in time, who knows.

All I know is that is gave me the definitive closure I needed, seeing their true form and how shallow and nasty they really were, and how much they held me back.

Well, I ain’t held back no more and I’m coming for my dream so you better be ready!

I’m coming!

B xoxox

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Me

Who else would come to lunch?

So I told you there would be a part two, but instead to put ‘else’ rather than part two, because we creative here Okurrr!

So someone I missed from the last post was my queen Adele. I love Adele. One reason why is because she is literally twinning my mother. In looks, her attitude to life, her charisma, her quirks, her Londoness. I absolutely love it. Her laugh is so infectious I could have a playlist of just Adele laughing let alone her amazingly constructed songs. Her songs have got me through tough times with boys, uni and life struggles. I so relate to her on many many levels its spooky!

I find her to be a modern legend. I usually find myself saying and hearing that no one today will go down in the books as a legend, like the late great Whitney, Michael, Aretha. Or the Celine Dions, the Mariahs or Madonnas, its just unheard of today. I think Adele is the one that breaks that. She is so secretive and then bang she pops out with an amazing single and an equally if not more amazing album that smashes records across the world. I just cant see anyone that matches that. She has not scandals, no back Door deals. She is her and thats it and thats what I love. So when she comes to tea I think it would simply be a cool, simple London chinwag over a cuppa, gossiping about our men, funny stories and just laughing. I just love Adele if you couldn’t tell by now!

Another person more than welcome to come to lunch is the late Alan Rickman. I was in my college library when the news broke that he had passed away. I ran out my college and called my mother. We were both so distraught. His portrayal of so many characters, but for me the most prominent in my life was the famous Severus Snape. I loved the Harry Potter franchise and still do. I watched and read all the books and films when I was growing up. I watched them all over again with my younger sister, and I can sense it will happen again with my brother. The story is timeless and the portrayal by Alan was just exquisite. Legend has it that he would be Severus even when the camera stopped rolling just so he could keep up the character. That made me fall in love with him even more. His dedication and selflessness for his art was legendary and is what made him one of the greats. I would to ask him more about how he felt while playing that role and what role was his favourite? He may not have liked Severus who knows? He may have loved Severus more than others he’s played, we will never know. All I know is that he played a huge part in my childhood so I would have to have a sit down chat with him.

Gosh I really feel a number three will come shortly as I have an almighty list!

Last person for this post is Oscar Wilde. He is another person I have discovered recently. I have read books of his growing up and recently read his book, the Picture of Dorian Gray. It had me so spooked and gripped. I have always admired his life, with him being a hugely successful writer and then when is was discovered that he was gay, the torture that was bestowed on him and then his eventual death, saddens me. I feel if he were alive today he would be admired so much by the LGBT community for his works, even if he wasn’t gay his works are so deep and meaningful they completely eclipse the fact of his sexuality. I would love to sit down with him to discus the inspiration for his works, most importantly for me, who is Dorian? Was he a real life inspiration or just a figure of the imagination? Who knows!

So thats it for part two! There are many more people I could pick but I will debate whether I will make a third part yet, if so it will come soon but again keep commenting who you would love to have lunch with and why, lets chat!

Good night lovelies!

B xoxox

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Fashion

Autumnal Wardrobe Tour: ASOS Haul

My reinvention post stated that I was reinventing my wardrobe, well I wanted to give you a sneak peak into what I have and what I am going to have to prepare for London Autumnal Realness!

The Trench is back!

I love trench coats. I have a beige one but I have had it a few years now and its starting to show its wear and tear. I will not rubbish it but I want to have it as part time, reduce its hours in the latter years of its life. So I wanted to go over to the dark side!

I found this black Trench in many places but the look of this one has me hooked! It’s from ASOS and it has sound reviews about it’s quality and look when it arrives as internet shopping scares me slightly. So I wanted to switch up the colours and go dark this time. My wardrobe will be a lot more black this year and it not because I want to become a goth. I simply love the sleekness of black. My devices my aesthetic in general lends itself to the colour black so I will be injecting a lot of black when and where its needed!

ASOS Design Longline Trench Coat, £60

Jumpers!

I love this jumper from ASOS. It’s colour is amazing and also lover the fact it only covers half the jumper, its one of those yeah, I like that designs. Nothing too in your face but still makes a statement. I love it! Also in this country you need a jumper in the Autumn, we tend to not have a normal autumn it just sort of blends in with Winter so its best to dress like winter is coming sometimes!

ASOS Textured Jumper in Ecru with Mixed Stripe, was £30 marked down to £15

Tassels have sort of consumed my being, sorry.

Now I follow many bloggers and one in particularly love is Riyadh Khalaf, he’s so funny and witty its great! Has great style sense too! However he recently announced he has a boyfriend in the form of Josh Harrison, and I happen to follow him too and he had this shirt. I fell in love straight away! Another ASOS bop! (This is an ASOS Haul if you haven’t realised already haha!)

Its a black denim style shirt and along the seams on the sleeve, stretches short tassels of the same fabric at the shirt, along the back and down the other sleeve. I love it! I love it because its out there and different but not so much in your face like some of other fashion choices (The chinos).

ASOS Design denim overshirt with studding and tassels, was £32 now £19

It’s time for footwear

These are pretty simple choices, I love Chelsea boots so have decided to trade in my wearing beige ones for an upgraded pair of black ones. I love them they go with so many clothing options they just work whenever you wear them!

ASOS Design Suede black Chelsea boots, £28

Lastly, I need some trousers.

I love trousers, I love skinny black denim jeans or chinos but I decided to take a chance and change it up slightly. So I have been loving tapered pin stripe trousers everywhere and I see them all the time, a lot of the time on gay guys which fills me with hope! So I decided to finally go for it, why not! They are amaze and the colour is a break from the black theme. A navy and white pin stripe. The bottom tapered slightly which I love and they would be great in formal and informal gatherings so like the boots very flexible in terms of where I can wear them! Which is an absolute must for me!

ASOS Design, Tapered smart tourers in navy and white pinstripe, £25

So thats it for this haul, there is a lot more but I am still working on it. So stay tuned, I liked doing this so I will do it a lot more often in the future and give you an insight into my style choices and why I chose those certain styles!

Until next time!

B xoxox

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Me

What you don’t know about me…

I have written a lot about my life since I started my blog over a year ago. This blog has documented my coming out, mental health struggles and the development of my business. So here’s a few things you still don’t know about me.

The first thing that you may not know is that I am incredibly insecure about most things. My body, relationships and most things that apply to life. I’m not sure why, its sort of always been there. I have always been insecure about my body and I even wrote a whole post about body confidence. I have not been the luckiest in love. The only people I’ve fully clicked with have lived in countries very far away from mine so distance has killed me. Others just haven’t worked out or turned into sour A Holes that just want one thing. So at the moment, I am content, well, with the person, but previous demons have haunted me greatly. Especially because I feel it going well, but the little nasty devils on my shoulder continue to fester it worries me. It will never work, what the hell does he see in you? Oh he will go and travel the world and leave you behind. All very dark and none of then exhibited in real life, but fester inside my mind.

Why? No clue, its just my mind. I try to control it with meditation (Which I have neglected as of late and really should start doing again!), and just speaking. I do lash out sometimes and it really annoys me.

So yeah, I don’t feel very confident in my body, even when I was at my best, which makes me sick when now I pine for that body back. My face is the only think I am ok with, apart from my droopy under chin bit and my jawline, isn’t the most defined but it works and its mine so its ok.

Another thing you may not know about me is I am petrified of Wasps. Hate them. NASTY! I love the environment which is another thing you may not about me, but the only thing Mother Nature created that I hate with all power invested in me are wasps. They do not die when they sting, they sting for no reason, compared to bees who sting only when they need too (never been stung by a bee) but die after. How tragic for something so cute! Wasps. Nope. I tried walking to my Nan’s door when I was younger and there was a nest by it, I never angered them or went near them, but low and behold they surround me and sting me. Horrid creatures.

Lastly, one thing you not know about me is I am also Petrified on dentists. Something probably quite generic like who likes the dentist (for those who do, freaks!) But no I am not just scared. I will sit and shake while waiting for the appointment, the mere thought of being in a dentists chair gives me the chills and a slight headache so that’s all I’m writing!

So thats all from me folks! Until next time. That was fun, there will prob be a part two to this!

B xoxox

Header Image from instagram.com/alex_n_j
Wasp Image from the website Unspash, user is Pawel Blazewicz
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